UnCharted Territory

2007-01-10T15:51:00.000+08:00

Do not look back in grief over the past for it is gone
Do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come
Live in the present
And make it so beautiful that it will be worth the memory

La Vie en Rose

2006-10-29T17:36:00.000+08:00

I always believe we all live life in the best possible way that we know how. Our way may not be the right way or the most ideal way, but it is the only one we know how to follow. We go with what seems right at the moment only to realize, sometimes that we have made a mistake. How then do we go about rectifying the wrongs?

Life would certainly go a much smoother path if only we knew in advance what was right and what was wrong. If only we have the ability to foresee what the consequences of our actions would be. I always tell myself never to regret anything. What has happened cannot be changed. The aftermath of each decision we make remains… and we have no choice but to live with it. The best thing to do next would be to make the most out of it and if possible, learn.

On the other hand, if we can take life with a pinch of salt, if we can look at things in a different and wider perspective, perhaps it would be a lot easier to be happy. We do not have to take ourselves too seriously. We only live once.

We all fall at times. If we can just pick ourselves up, brush our knees off, and stride straight ahead, we might reach a greater height than we ever did before the fall. And even if we do not, at least we are far away from rock bottom. We give ourselves a better shot the next time around.

I do not know the answers. I do not even know the questions. I cannot see what lies ahead and I cannot hear the whispers telling me how I should be doing things. I do what I can right at this moment, keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

La Vie en Rose.

Letting go

2006-10-28T21:09:00.000+08:00

I should let it go…
I should let the past stay in the past.

Perhaps it is time for me to understand…

We all have a history. Everyone we meet carries a baggage of their own. I must admit the content of that baggage is important. That the past in every one of us makes a contribution towards shaping our future. But… that is where we learn. That is how we mature and become better people.

When does the past stop becoming a contribution and more a hindrance towards what can be?

There are a lot of things I wish I can understand better. But I cannot. Simply because I lack the experience that gives complete and true understanding. That is why I struggle. That is why I hold back. If you cannot understand, how can you believe beyond a reasonable doubt?

I have struggled for so long…
It is time to let go.

We all try our very best. We do what we can at the moment and hope for the best. And if things do not go the way we want them to, we move on. No regrets. Moving on does not make us a bad person. It does not make us a lesser person. We are all merely surviving.

When the past comes back to haunt us and stops us from moving forward… that is when we know it is time to let go of the past. I, too, am merely surviving. I may not truly understand but I do want a better future… with you.

Perhaps, sometimes, we do not need to understand. We just need to have faith.

And I do.

Depth

2006-09-16T14:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. There is no direction anymore. I find myself standing one quarter of the way in the circumference of a vast jungle. I have a vague idea where I want to end up in and yet, I have no means of reaching there. I hold in my right hand a very good compass and I carry on my back a backpack with all the necessities I need. And yet, my heart cannot do what my mind knows it is supposed to do.

My feet stay still. I cannot take the first step. I know I have to do something.

I attempt to look past the haziness, the confusion, the temporary blur in my head. I turn to my left…

And I see him.

Standing beside me. Holding my hand. Gently nudging me to step forward.

And I understand.

There are things you do because you want to. There are things you do because you have to. There are things you do for the people you love when you know they need help and do not know how to ask for it. These are things you would rather not do but would still do… for them.

And I realize.

Nothing is worth trading what we want most in life. And that includes what we want at the moment. It is not the length but the depth of life that counts. And depth comes from being able to bring out the best in ourselves.

A Friend's Love says:
" If you ever need anything,
I'll be there."

True Love says:
" You'll never need anything,
I'll be there."

Insecurity

2006-07-04T16:06:00.000+08:00

They say people are never satisfied with what they have. We always wish for more. The way things are now will never be ideal or good enough. There will always, always be some imperfections, some cracks in the otherwise perfect mirror reflecting our lives.

I wish I can say with absolute and complete honesty that I am happy. But I cannot. There was a point in time when I had less and I felt happy anyway.

I wonder what changed. Why do I not feel that sense of peace and security? How is it possible to feel satisfied with life when there are so many imperfections?

I think perhaps, for me, the key to feeling peaceful and fulfilled is security.

I have never been able to deal well with unanswered questions, uncertainties, vagueness. It all boils down to my affinity for a sense of security, my excessive liking for the comfort zone that I have created for myself. I dislike being left in doubts. I dislike doubting myself and the people I really care about.

I need to know with absolute, complete certainty. I guess some things are impossible after all.

Wish list

2006-06-21T04:19:00.000+08:00

It is early Wednesday morning and I have an exam on Thursday afternoon. I prefer not to dwell on the amount of lecture notes I still have to cover lest I lapse into a panic attack. Instead I choose to blog.

Not exactly the wisest course of action considering I just spent more than an hour writing a poem earlier. I must be nuts. Or maybe the lack of sleep is making me delusional. I think I have more time to study than I actually do.

One week of wasted study break… maybe I should have gone back to Malaysia instead of idling my time away here in Perth. At least if I had gone home, I would be able to see all the people that I miss dearly and eat all the food that I miss almost as dearly. At least back home, there is my family, there are my cousins, there are good friends, and then there is him. At least back home, there is proper home cooked food, instead of the instant food that I have been living on for the past week and a half. At least back home, I can go shopping, eat out, hang out in Starbucks, watch Astro/ Korean drama series, go mamak-ing, not rely on public transport, not bother multiplying the price of everything I buy by three, speak Manglish, wear shorts, go swimming, shower in cold water without shivering, have a life after 5pm…

The things I wish to have/do that can only be had/done in Malaysia… the list goes on and on.

I can’t wait for this Sunday when one of the most missed things on my wish list, which incidentally is the only thing I can have while I am in Perth, will be ticked off.

Cry

2006-06-16T16:32:00.000+08:00

Don’t cry over someone who won’t cry over you.

No matter how much you love another; there is nothing more important than preserving self worth. No matter how much you care for someone else, always remember that you cannot care for others if you do not care for yourself.

If he makes you cry and doesn’t stay to wipe your tears, then he isn’t worth the heartache.

If he makes you sad more often than he makes you happy, then he isn’t worth your time.

If he says one thing and does another once too often, and makes you unhappy in the process, then he isn’t worth your love.

If he hurts you and doesn’t care enough to right the wrongs, let go.

Rules

2006-06-13T18:26:00.000+08:00

Is there a time frame for progression? Is there a limit to closeness? Are there guidelines to follow? Are there wrongs and rights?

If there is, who decides?

Call it naiveté, call it denial, call it whatever you want…

I believe that when it comes to love, there are no rules.

Talk

2006-06-12T12:59:00.000+08:00

“Goodness, why do you need to talk to each other on the phone so often?”
“Didn’t you speak on the phone just a few hours ago?”
“What do you guys TALK about?”

I used to shake my head disbelievingly whenever I hear about people having phone conversations with their loved ones almost a million times a day. I could not imagine how two people can possibly have so much to say to each other. Do they not have better things to do?

I guess there really is no NEED to call each other so often… you call simply because you want to.
A few hours ago is a few hours ago… lots of things or nothing at all can happen in between…
You don’t need an excuse or a topic of conversation… hearing the other party’s voice is reason enough to call.

Mostly, you call because you miss them.

And I miss him.

How much?

2006-06-11T12:58:00.000+08:00

I have spent my whole life building a wall around myself. The people closest to me are the ones able to walk past my defenses. Some others I let in when I am able to. The rest I keep at bay. I do not remember a time when I question this mentality of mine. Until now.

Why do I feel the need for distance and space? Why do I have this inherent fear of being too attached or caring too much for someone? Why do I hold back?

I feel like the wall I have painstakingly built all these years is rapidly being broken down. And it scares me. It seems like I cannot do anything but stand by and watch helplessly.

There is, after all, no such thing as a candy colored world with a rainbow over the sky, sparklingly green grass, and all things sweet in between.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I am happy. And yet… I worry. I fear. And I question.

The best thing one can do for one’s self and for others is to give. There is nothing like seeing the smile on another’s face when receiving something sincerely given. There is nothing more uplifting than giving just for the sake of giving.

Perhaps the best way to love is to give… without expecting anything in return.

The question I pose is this : Is there a limit to giving?

There is so much one can give. How much is too much??

Leap

2006-05-30T21:55:00.000+08:00

“Girls think wayyyyyyyy too much!!” said V.

Is it true? Do we think too much? About everything? About anything? About nothing at all?

If we do, then why? Why do girls think so much? Why do boys not think at all?

Wouldn’t it be good to be able to:

1) take the plunge without peeking over the edge

2) close our eyes and let our hearts guide us to wherever

3) let ourselves fall backwards without peering to see what’s behind

Wouldn’t life be more fun and exciting if we just leap without looking?

Ambiguity

2006-05-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

Do we sometimes think too much?

Is it true that the best solution is usually the simplest?

Can objectivity overrule subjectivity?

Life would probably be a lot simpler and carefree if only things are made clear. If only words are spoken without hidden meanings. If only we get what we see.

Perhaps the best way to deal with ambiguity is to confront it and if possible weed out the absolute truth. No maybes, no what ifs, no in betweens.

I have always thought of myself as frank and honest, to the point of being blunt at times. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I find myself evasive, indecisive and unsure.

I avoid the issues that really do matter.

Inspiration

2006-05-23T15:09:00.000+08:00

I try to appear collected as I see him approaching. But really, I feel unsure and nervous about what will happen. “Come over in here.” He says, with his usual friendly smile.

I sit down, facing him. And proceed to say all that I have to say. I try to do so without stuttering, try to speak as clearly as I can so that he gets exactly what I am saying. Finally, when I am certain I have not left anything out, I stop and look at him expectantly.

He gives me that smile again. Friendly, kind and reassuring all at the same time. Not unlike the aura that he exudes so effortlessly. “Don’t worry.” He says. And for the first time since seeing him more than an hour ago, I relax. I know I am safe.

...Thus began the most meaningful conversation I have had in a long time. He told me with honesty and clarity what he had to say. And I took in as much as I could. I openly accepted his views because I know they are spoken with only my benefit in mind. “Any questions?” he asked.

And I could not help it. I had to ask. I asked about the things I wasn’t sure of, about what I did wrong and what I can do to make it better. And I am glad I asked.

Thank you for the constructive criticism, for the advice, for your wisdom, for your time.

You encouraged and motivated me to do better. You spoke of medicine with such passion.

You inspire me to learn.

Random-ness

2006-05-22T15:25:00.000+08:00

A chilly autumn night.

And I was tossing and turning in bed. Slept fitfully as I drifted in and out of weird dreams about people I just spoke to on MSN before going to sleep. Half the time I didn’t know if I was actually awake or sleeping. And it was so unbelievably HOT. I had to get up at about 5am to turn the fan on full blast. Woke up this morning feeling completely un-rested. Didn’t cross my mind that I might be having a fever until Jessie mentioned it ( seriously, at the rate that I’m going, I’m gonna make one heck of a doctor ).

Well, anyway, this is a really random post written by a random girl in one of her random moods. I have a mild fever, nausea and abdominal discomfort. Which isn’t such a bad thing I suppose, since I have an excuse to stay home and play the invalid. No hospital visits on a Monday! Yay!!

Got an email from my fabulous Daddy today. There is no other word to describe him. He says the sweetest things just when I am feeling most vulnerable. THANK YOU.

I have to do an observed history taking and physical examination session tomorrow. Shucks.

Samantha is so HIGH there is no stopping her. But then again, I think she deserves to feel as high as she wants. I hope she reads this… and realizes what a gem she has in the palm of her hands.

I love the way Jo Ve NEVER ever fails to end our phone conversations with “ Call me if you need anything. ” He is a lot sweeter than he knows.

Mei is such a DUNGU fellow. That is what you get for calling me a dungu in MSN, my dear. *laughs evilly*

Jenny, I’m holding you to your promises!! Looking forward to going back to Malaysia *beams*

Fiona, what on earth is happening to you? I haven’t heard from you for ages. I MISS YOU!

Oh, it just occurred to me that today is PDFR. I wonder if Marianne remembers though... I hope she doesn’t so I get to show off my slight progress *cackles evilly* I am just such an evil person… only for today though *angelic smile*

Gosh… this is so random!

A Jog

2006-05-20T22:29:00.000+08:00

I went jogging along Swan River today. Just ran and ran and ran until fatigue set in. I have jogged the same path several times before. But for some reason, today was different.

Today I was different. Today, I was actually awake.

Every gust of the bitingly cold wind, every gasp of breath that I took and every single beat of my heart… forced themselves upon me as I tried to remember what it was that was troubling me. And I could not remember. And then I realized I do not want to remember. Because now, right in this moment, there is more.

I was made acutely aware of the way my ponytail swings from side to side with every step I took. I saw how the sky was painted blue, purple, pink and yellow with splashes of white clouds streaking across it. I heard the children screaming in delight, the blowing wind, the crashing waves, the thumping of my feet on the ground, and the rhythm of the breaths I took. I smiled at the sight of a couple in the midst of having their wedding shots taken. I marveled ( again ) at how silent the dogs here are. I felt the way my body warmed up to the pace of my jog, felt the heat in my face, the racing of my heart, saw the tinge of red coloring my arms as more blood circulated to my extremities. And I felt ALIVE.

I have heard how it is possible to live without actually living, just like it is possible to see without actually seeing and to hear without actually hearing. What is astonishing is the fact that I know and yet I continue. I continue in this state of mind. This state of dreaminess where I am half awake ( or rather half asleep ) most of the time.

It seems like I am so busy chasing after the things that will fill my life up that I forget its very essence.

?

2006-05-14T21:36:00.000+08:00

What do you do when you feel like crying but the tears just won’t fall? What do you do when the only thing stopping you from breaking down is the fact that you are emotionally numb? When you laugh for all the world to see but deep down you are crying out for help, what happens next?

Life is such that the only problems you have are those that your mind perceives to be problems.

How do you know for sure that you are doing fine and not living in denial? How do you know you are doing all the right things or even heading in the right direction? How does one get rid of the infinite dissatisfaction one feels?

If there is such a thing as ‘ Keeping your head when all about you are losing theirs ’, then is it possible to lose your head when everyone else seems to be keeping theirs?

Bygones

2006-04-30T11:06:00.000+08:00

When you have intense feelings for someone… be it love or hatred, the other party usually remains completely oblivious. Hence the one person affected by such feelings will be you. Let’s not talk about love. Hatred is probably the worst feeling one can harbor. It makes you sick in the stomach, it gives you indigestion, it makes you completely inefficient. And what’s worse, it turns you into a grouchy old woman/man.

I have always been relatively benign when it comes to dislike for people. Surely it is impossible to like everyone. But when I do dislike someone, I simply stay away from them and never ever let them get to me. But then again, it is easy to not let someone you don’t see much get to you. What happens if you see them every single day ?? *shudder*

I have decided it is simply not worth it to lose sleep over someone you don’t care much about. I value my own peace of mind too much to hold grudges over petty things. And besides, there are more important things to worry about.

So… everybody chooses which side of themselves they want people to see right? It doesn’t necessarily mean not being ourselves; it just means adjusting to different environment/situations. I suppose it isn’t entirely feasible to show our true colors stark naked all the time. But when they are shown, it doesn’t mean all form of civility and respect for other people fly out the window.

No matter how much we do not see eye to eye and no matter what we think of each other, it does NOT warrant rudeness. And it certainly does not warrant any form of spiteful behavior or thoughts. For my sake, I propose a very sound suggestion.

‘Let bygones be bygones.’

The test of true love

2006-04-26T20:43:00.000+08:00

It is almost a week since my mom went back home to Malaysia after a short visit to Perth ( apparently to check on whether or not I am eating properly ). Having her here makes me realize how much I really miss being with my family. Whilst she was here, we talked a lot… about the present, the future, the past… What touches me most is the fact that my mom came here solely for ME. Not because she wants to travel, visit new places or take a break from life in Malaysia; but because she wants to make sure I am settling in well, adapting to life and not to forget, eating proper nutritious meals. I am truly touched. Nobody can love as selflessly and completely as a parent. Nobody can love as deeply as a true love.

Speaking of true love, I am reminded of my mom’s account of her love story with my dad. I have always been told fragments of their story by dad but during her recent visit, I was delighted to be told mom’s version.

Dad was 18 the first time he ever set eyes on mom. He was having lunch with friends and she was riding her bicycle on the way home. This is what I remember dad saying to me ‘ I knew the moment I saw her that she was the One. ’ He invited mom’s colleague to his birthday party and conveniently extended the invitation to mom. And this is what mom had to say about the party ‘ He never left my side the whole night. ’ Shortly after getting together, dad went to UK to study. Mom stayed in Malaysia to work. During the first four years of their relationship, they saw each other only once every year and communicated via letters in between. When mom was 20 and dad 22, mom flew to UK and they married in spite of objections by various less significant relatives. During the first 2 years of their marriage, mom worked while dad studied. Life wasn’t always easy but it was made bearable because they had each other.
After dad started working, mom never had to work again. They made a family of six. To this day, my parents still give each other a peck on the lips before either one goes out. They still hold hands. They still enjoy each other’s company. They still listen and talk to each other. They still respect one another. Life isn’t always perfect but it is mostly happy.

This is not the love story you watch on TV or read in books. This is real life. The fact that it was love at first sight for my parents made it all the more romantic. But the part that shows true love is the journey they have taken together to come this far. It is the fact that they stayed together and loved each other in spite of hardships and unfavorable circumstances. This is true love.

I tend to be very circumstantial in my thinking. Speaking of love brings to mind the fact that one of the mind boggling questions that I have always been unable to answer has finally been answered by this one phrase.

How do you differentiate between an Infatuation and Love?

Love isn’t a sudden falling in love… and it is not all emotion; Love should be patient, kind, generous… It should bring out the best qualities in you

The cursed G

2006-04-12T22:12:00.000+08:00

Define gossiping.
If you talk to people long enough and you feel comfortable with each other, conversations have a tendency to flow naturally towards something deeper than “I lurve this new pink gloss by Stila” or “I’m good, thank you. How was your day?”. If you like someone enough to want to be friends with them, then naturally, you want to know more about them. How do you do that? By talking to them! Ask them questions! Get the conversations flowing! The following questions are what amount would be too many questions and how do you know when you are probing too deeply?

Fact : Everybody has different limitations. The only way to know what someone’s limit is, again, by talking to them. When you know where the lines are, don’t cross it!
Fact : Everybody talks about other people. It doesn’t mean they criticize or viciously backstab those people. Have some faith in human conscience!
Fact : When you start spreading untrue rumours or when you tell people personal things about somebody else, then, yes, you are gossiping. Bear in mind though that there is no smoke without fire.
Fact : Almost everybody gossips. It is inevitable to talk about the people living within the same society as yourself. It is when you spread vicious, baseless lies that will affect other people’s lives or when you break a confidence and start a chain reaction of rumours that gossiping becomes harmful.

Gossiping however, is NOT asking people to talk about themselves. You are also NOT gossiping if you keep what you are told to yourself. Gossiping is when you do not know to whom and when you should SHUT UP.

If I Die tomorrow

2005-11-17T17:18:00.000+08:00

When you hear these four words “Your blog is dead” spoken to you by several different people, you know it is time to ADD A NEW POST.

When you need to remind yourself that studying for EOS does not equal NO LIFE, you know it is time to take a break.. or two.. or three.

When you have been staring at the same page of the same lecture note for two hours, you know it is time to STOP WORRYING about the exams.

When you find yourself smiling like an idiot while ‘studying’, you know you should conserve your brain power for the next day and just GO TO SLEEP.

The time is 3:46am. That in itself is reason enough to explain for my utter and complete lack of eloquence.

The students of M2/03 were asked to write their profiles yesterday. We were asked to complete several sentences, one of which was this:

If I die tomorrow, I will ….

The truth is, if I die tomorrow, I will not be able to rest in peace. There are so many things that I want to do, another 20 years would still be too little time. A friend once told me that there was a period of time in her life when she was able to go to sleep every night with the conviction that if she died the next day, she would be at peace with herself. Because she strived everyday to achieve what she wanted to achieve, do what she felt was right and worthy and ultimately, attained the fulfillment that gave her the assurance that her life was well lived. It is commendable for someone so young to have found such contentment. As for me, I seek for fulfillment that can only be achieved through many years of experience and effort. However, it is undeniable that Life is both Fragile and Unpredictable. That said, If I really do die tomorrow, I would still be grateful because alive, I have been blessed in every way.

PMS

2005-10-23T03:56:00.000+08:00

It has been ages since my last post, so I figured it is about time I posted something up.

The good news is I will be going to University of Western Australia. Which means if all goes well ( ie. I pass my EOS ), my dad, bro and I will be flying to Perth as soon as December. Seeing the faces of some of my friends who got their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc choice ( still not so bad ) and a few others who got their 10+th choice ( not too good at all ) I am really, really grateful to have gotten my first choice. All the best to these people and Good Luck to those who are appealing for a change. As for all the fortunate others like me ( you can always tell by the way their eyes are literally SHINING with joy ), a hearty Congrats!

The bad news is CNS Assessment SUCK big time. I feel like a fool thinking back to how I fell for my co-ordinator/facilitator's " CNS-assessment-is-gonna-be-a-breeze " act. And mind you, it wasn't just me. He lulled EVERYONE in my PBL group into a false sense of security. FOOL FOOL FOOL.
But of course, I cannot possibly place the blame solely on another's shoulders. In all honesty, I really, really did NOT study hard enough. Right now, the only thing I can do is to hope for a pass in this test.

On a brighter note, sometime earlier this month I entered the IMU Art Competition. Both the poems I submitted were short-listed and I was asked to choose one to recite. Of course, I was HORRIFIED with the idea of reciting something ( anything at all ) on stage in front of a bunch of people with judges JUDGING my performance. What more to recite something as personal as a poem... I was Freaked out! Anyway, now that it is all over and done with, I can look back at it with amusement, gratitude and a touch of pride. Amusement at the way my recital went, the reactions of all the contestants including myself and yes, even the annoyingly sarcastic emcee. Gratitude for the help and encouragement from Sarah, Kenneth and Vasan; and to ZK, KR, Dr.SC and the others who were sweet enough to say nice things about my poem/recital. Pride for doing it anyway despite being scared witless.

And as a closure to this post and to not be bested by these two girls, I shall follow in the footsteps of Gongster and Elena by posting up my poem. As the poem I recited ( My Story ) was posted quite a long time ago, this is the other poem which was also short-listed.

Miracles of the World
If I am on top of the World,
Watching as far as my eyes can see,
I wonder what catches my wandering gaze,
If I can span a distance far and wide ?

I see the oceans and the life they breed,
The falls and the streams in all their splendour,
I see the ports and the ships by and by they add,
Benefaction and desecration but a tangled snare.

I chance upon the private joys of love,
The many forms of which spring courage and content,
I chance upon the sorrows of injustice,
The grievances of death, loss and hate alike.

I see the magic in nature itself,
The beauty and vitality unique only to life,
I see the detriments as we grow and develop,
Inevitable as we advance and industrialise.

I revel in the marvel of architecture,
Skyscrapers, homes, temples, all art in itself,
I mourn for the dismay of war-torn destitute,
The interspersion of everything good and bad.

I take in the glare of the sun,
And the brilliantly cloudless sky,
I take in the sting of the storm,
And the caress of the wind.

I bask in the warmth and the cold,
I accept the ups and the downs,
I see as much and as far as I possibly can,
But I, I choose to remember
the Miracles of the World.

Expression

2005-10-06T15:11:00.000+08:00

I write when I am sad. I write when there is too much in my mind and when I feel boggled down by the goings-on around me. Most of the time, the result is completely incoherent. Other times, they are childishly written; simple and frank. And once in a blue moon, I find poetry a better form of expression.

Gongster : “… Is there any poetry that is happy? ”
It is true that many poems are sad. But then again, there are sad poems… and then there are inspirational poems, love poems, friendship poems and what I call appreciative poems.

Personally, 99% of the contents in my journal were written under all sorts of emotional turmoil except happiness. Which is probably why I find it such a delight to read the occasional ‘happy’ poem. The following poem which I found somewhere written by a guy from Texas is, to me at least, a joy to read :

Wild Fae
Leave an empty spot in your garden,
So that the fairies have a place to dance.
Leave an empty spot in your mind,
So that fairies may run and prance.
In the garden, they spread pixie dust all over the leaves,
When the moon hits the garden just right,
You can see it shimmer lightly, in the cool night breeze.
You can see them too, if you just say please,
They’ll dance before you with relative ease.

Free

2005-10-01T17:54:00.000+08:00

The door is open
The coast is clear
My mind says to flee
My heart stays unmoved
I am held spellbound
Disabled and confused
Where once I flew unbound
With nothing to tie me down
But, I will bear this no more
I have seen what I missed
I will no longer mistake
What I know and what I feel
Today I spread my wings
Nothing can hold me back
Today I am free
I fly to where I belong.

Purpose

2005-09-29T18:20:00.000+08:00

If there is a reason
Tell me and I will accept
If there is a lesson
Teach me and I will learn

Show me the way
Summon if you must
I will follow where you lead
In your footsteps I shall trail

Where can I search
How shall I know?
When I am lost
How do I find my way back?

Doses of luck and twists of fate
Did I really believe I was fine?
Foisting content and many a fraud
Fool that I am I fell for it

Moments lost forever gone
Impossible feats I never try
Memories remain in shades of gray
In my own way I try to learn

Yet your guidance I need
Your wisdom I sought
Help me find my way
‘tis my plea to you.

Ramblings

2005-09-22T13:55:00.000+08:00

I have heard the question often enough, even asked it several times myself.
‘What do they have that I don’t?’

To the many people whose mouths I have heard utter these 7 words, myself included, it is perhaps the wrong question to ask. There should not be a comparison in the first place. As cliché as it sounds, the phrase ‘We are, each and every one of us, unique in our own way’, is an age-old wisdom we should never forget. Things have a way of taking care of themselves. Patience is key. In the meantime, simply revel in the freedom of being young with a weekly/monthly allowance!

Some of the many enjoyable ways to spoil ourselves while we still can:
1) Häagen-Dazs creations – Sheer Heaven. A must try for all living, breathing people without diabetes.
2) Chocolate Spree – Anyone walking into a duty-free shop without splurging on imported chocolates must be off their rocker.
Obviously, the list is endless. But right now, ice cream and chocolates are foremost in my mind, being 2 of my most recent indulgences.

Note to self: MUST go jogging.

If real life can be like the life of Bridget Jones…
I would be diabetic
I would weigh 250 lbs
I would be dating Colin Firth
I would have an affair with Hugh Grant
I would be a total and complete klutz
I would be all that and a ‘world famous journalist’ to boot

Small Significant Squirrel mentioned in passing that day, the abundance of sad posts in people’s blogs recently. And I have to agree with that. Which is why I am trying hard to think on the bright side and be positive. Which is why despite being hit with my random bouts of depression again, I shall instead dwell on the blessings in life… like Häagen-Dazs, like chocolates, like Chad Michael Murray, like Jeffrey Archer…

Anyway, CNS SUCKS.

I propose a toast to Lord Chesterfield who said :
‘Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination; never put off till tomorrow what you can do today’.

In other words, grab every opportunity to take pleasure in every passing moment. Do whatever you want, whenever you want. Do not put off enjoying life. After all, you cannot do at 70 what you can do at 20.
I have a feeling my interpretation is not exactly what Chesterfield had in mind…

I just found out a mooncake-eating contest was recently conducted in IMU. Apparently, the record was 6 mooncakes at a go. I am a huge mooncake fan, but this… this is just too gross. Mooncakes are a delicacy…every single bite should be savoured and enjoyed. The weird things people do…

I am rambling. This is what happens when we know we should do something and yet we dread it so much we try hard to distract ourselves with other less pressing matters.

I sound a bit like a drunkard, not unlike you, Mayann.

Aimee

2005-09-19T18:30:00.000+08:00

Sure, you made me wait a long time. The sight of your room gave me crossed-eyes. I developed a pounding headache helping you pack. I can’t remember the last time I was coated in so much dust. I nearly went into a coma from lack of sleep. I almost keeled over from starvation.

Still, I can’t remember a time when I appreciated your presence more. I can’t remember the last time I saw a better looking guy than the one we saw in the airport. I never realized how vulnerable a mother can be when all her baby girls are far away. I never understood the complexities of a man caught between his ego and his affections. I forgot how uplifting it is being in a chocolate shop!

I guess what I am trying to say is, I would gladly live this day again if only to be with you and the ever enjoyable Mei a little while longer.
The good news is, in a few years’ time, you, Mei, Fie, Jamie, Sam, Vonne, E Da and I will all be able to gather together again and reminisce about the good ol’ times. Until then, let the good times roll!

Get Real

2005-09-19T18:29:00.000+08:00

If you think you are good at what you do… Wonderful
If you think you are doing very well… Great
If you think you have what it takes… Good for you!
If you believe you will get there someday… I wish you well
If you believe you have achieved a lot… Congratulations
If you are really all that you think you are
And still you remain grounded
And still you stand tall with humility
You are really who we think you are!
If you think you are better than anyone
Anyone at all
Think again.

Bleak Start

2005-09-14T14:57:00.000+08:00

Finally, we have reached the Central Nervous System. The good news is, I am now so tired of the last minute slaving I have been doing since Semester 1 that I solemnly promised myself I WILL STUDY CONSISTENTLY. MSK system marks the end of my procrastinating days. Too late? Well, better now than never.

And hence, with the thought of turning over a new leaf firmly in mind, I enthusiastically prepared myself for the first 2 CNS lectures on Monday. Upon entering LT1, I promptly seated myself on my favourite seat, which is right at the medial corner of the second row, and proceeded yakking away with J. It was some 10 minutes later that I suddenly realized somebody was droning on the microphone. I looked up with a start and was hit with another realization. Our CNS coordinator speaks French. Then another shocking realization almost blew me over. Our CNS coordinator is my PBL facilitator. After a short speech that I honestly cannot really remember, who should take over the microphone but the one person whose lecture I never fail to dread. A man who speaks Greek. Needless to say, I cannot really remember much about this lecture/introduction as well. The next lecture, thankfully, was better (Never mind the fact that I was late and had to take the dreaded solo walk to my seat, bag in tow). The use of real life models for the demonstration of Physical Examination drew quite a bit of laughter (some forced, some genuine) that would never have come about if based solely upon the speaker’s sense of humour.

The bad news would be two separate incidents that brought the day down another notch. The first incident made me feel pissed and at the same time very sorry that a good friend was unduly treated in a shitty manner. The second incident was hearing news of a friend’s loss, which made me feel very sad for her and her family.

Sad to say, the lectures on the second day of CNS weren’t much better for two very simple reasons:
1 ) I do not understand Greek
2 ) I detest embryology

These past 2 days bring to mind the famed story of the tortoise and the hare. Despite getting off to a rather bleak start, with persistence and perseverance not unlike the tortoise’s, I am sure it is not impossible to reach the finishing line safely and victoriously.

When I think about it this way, I honestly do not mind all that much being likened to a tortoise.

Closure

2005-09-12T16:56:00.000+08:00

Soon, it will be time to start a new chapter. Soon, I will look back to this year as the year I end 21 years of being my parents’ little girl. Soon…

The thought sends chills down my spine. The time has come… even before the realization fully hits me. I am forced to turn around, come face to face with the past. I am wont to review everything… see the past 21 years of my life sprawled like a canvas for all to see.

I have mixed feelings seeing what I see. Happiness, disappointment, amusement, shame, all blending together with a touch of melancholia tossed in and a single thought in my mind; Not enough.

Ever the optimist I remind myself I still have 3 months. That means 3 months of rectification. It is not too late. Before finally bringing a close to this huge chapter, I need, more than I want, to make several changes. Endings, be it in fairytales, movies, stories or even real life, should always be good.

Question : Is it true that in our hearts, we all believe we should be doing better?

Do we really need to move on?

2005-08-23T17:22:00.000+08:00

When a girl falls for a clueless guy, she has 3 choices:
1. Go after him
2. Befriend him and hope he falls for her
3. Move on
If she decides he is worth it and chose either option 1 or 2, 3 things can happen:
1. He runs for his life
2. He remains as clueless as ever
3. He falls for her and takes over control of the courtship from then on
Of course, most people would probably agree that things definitely do not always go the way we want them to. So, when case 1 or 2 happens, a girl usually chooses one of the following 3 options:
1. Hate him and curse him
2. Move on and be mature enough to remain friends with him
3. Move on and erase him completely from her life

The hardest part is falling for someone that gets under your skin. What do you do when no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot let go? What tactics do you resort to when you have done everything you know to forget? What happens when you realize that despite everything he has ever done and despite your best efforts to move on, he and only he has the ability to make your heart skip a beat with a smile?

Of course, if I know the magic answer to moving on, I’d be a millionaire. However, I do know one simple fact. Time really does heal all wounds. The same goes for the pains of a wounded ego or a lost love.

The question I pose is this: Do we really need to move on?

Perhaps the purest form of affection is one in which we expect nothing in return. That way, there are no expectations to be met and hence, no disappointments. When giving a piece of your heart to someone, give without grief and commit without condition. When you do that, you don’t feel the need to force yourself to forget him when things don’t go as well as you want them to. Then, you enable yourself to remember why you fell for him in the first place, to appreciate him for who he is and to enjoy having him in your life.
Time, will take care of the rest.

To Hell with you

2005-08-22T18:27:00.000+08:00

Pride is the worst sin of all.

Pride is the worst enemy of men.

Pride is the worst thing to swallow… ever.

Never again will I put myself in the position where I have to grovel. Never again will I demean myself. Never again will I compromise my dignity.

We always want things to go our way. Unfortunately, they don’t always do. And sometimes there is nothing we can do. Other times, the power to turn the tide falls on the hands of others. That is when we are given a choice.

To beg or not to beg?

When I am stuck in situations such as these, I find the scales tethering uncertainly from one side to another.

Fall on my knees,
I may get my way. After all, I never know until I try. At least I can say I did what I could. And by having things go my way, I either save myself a lot of trouble or I feel a lot happier.

Spit in the face of adversity,
I hold on to my dignity. I stand by my principles. I prove that I am not a pushover.

Of late, I find myself compromising too much of the things that are important to me. This is the last straw. Enough is enough. I cannot undo the past, but I can certainly ensure that I will not do it again. After the initial relief of having things go my way, or worse, after begging and still NOT having things go my way, the bitterness of pride which I forcefully swallowed stays with me and leaves a supremely unpleasant after-taste.

After several of such humbling experiences and after some contemplation, I realized there are some things in life that are simply not worth compromising. Like pride, like dignity, like principles, like morality, like humanity, like self worth, like peace of mind.

Moral of the story :
A summon worth RM300. What the hell. BRING IT ON.
And you; Never again.

Hidden

2005-08-13T18:12:00.000+08:00

It is a long, long journey. The paths that need to be traveled are sometimes hidden and I am spoiled by the many choices that are available. Whilst traversing a chosen pathway, inevitably, at times, I get sidetracked. There are many temptations, difficulties; demons of the mind, really, that makes it ten times harder to get from one way to another.

Every turn that I have taken, every decision that I have made, every effort that I have expended was all done with a single, ultimate goal in mind. After every single fall, it is the thought of realizing my dream that forces me to stand on my own two feet again. This is my journey. When the going gets rough, and I am overwhelmed by adversities, the thought that I am never going to make it has never crossed my mind. I am a thousand times stronger than I really am because I am never alone no matter where I go.

I believe we can only really learn by trial and error. There is not a single worthwhile journey that goes in one straight road all the way. I do not take back the mistakes that I have made. I accept every single failure. I try to learn from past experiences. If I have never done anything that I am not proud of, how will I be able to find enough space for me to move forward and improve myself? If I have never tasted the bitterness of failure, how can I savour the sweetness of victory? If I have never been through good times and bad times, how will I ever differentiate between the two?

I have been a little lost recently. I lost sight of my goal and went around chasing castles in the air. I keep telling myself that I should be working steadily towards my goal, I should be focused, I should be berating myself for giving in to temptations. I should this and I should that. At the end of the day, all the ‘I shoulds’ in the world does not get me anywhere. I have to ask myself ‘What way is the right way to live life?’. The only way I know is my way.

I will get back on track again when I am ready and not a minute before that. The truth is, no matter how far I wander, I know I will always find my way back again. Sometimes I cannot see my goal clearly in my mind; sometimes I forget the things I want to achieve in life. But they are always there, just waiting for me to gather enough courage again to face my responsibilities, accept the course that I have chosen and pick up where I left off. They may be hidden but they will never be lost. And because of that, sooner or later, somehow or other, I do what I have to do.

Note to self : Slothfulness is a sin!

All Over Again

2005-08-07T01:27:00.000+08:00

If I can do it all over again…
I would choose to say exactly what I said
I would choose to do exactly what I did
I would not change a thing.

If I can do it all over again…
I would want to meet the same people
I would want to learn the same things
I would not want it any other way.

If I can do it all over again…
I would still make the same mistakes
I would still learn the same lessons
I would not trade a single moment.

If I can do it all over again…
I would take the sadness
I would take the disappointments
Just so I can fall for you
All over again.

Blessed

2005-08-02T15:34:00.000+08:00

Of late, I have been undergoing a sort of emotional turmoil. My mood swings have been so erratic and eccentric that I am now emotionally exhausted. I feel rather like an old rag wrung completely and utterly dry. I have nothing left to feel…

Such wishful thinking. The truth is, each time I get close to forgetting, each time I feel able to let go, each time I come within an inch of moving forwards; something holds me back. I simply am not ready to take the consequent step. No matter how many times I reason with myself, No matter how clearly I know of the futility of hanging around merely hoping against hope that something will happen… I remain exactly where I am.

There is also the fact that the first day of the final semester in IMU itself is enough to cause the cortisol level in my body to skyrocket. I am predicting that the musculoskeletal system will be the most difficult system to date.

Plus, the value of money these days are shrinking at a faster rate than a prune.

I am also alarmed by how difficult it is to see through the masks that people put on before facing the world every single day. Most of the time, when you look at someone, you barely scratch the surface of that person’s existence. How much do you really know about the person sitting next to you?

I have so many more mundane everyday concerns and discontentments.
In life, how much is enough?

Two days ago, I came across a documentary in BBC World about the long running dispute in Uganda :

The Lord’s Resistance Army ( LRA ), which is formed in 1987, is a rebel paramilitary group seeking to overthrow the Ugandan Government in favor of the establishment of a government based on the biblical Ten Commandments. To date, the Uganda Civil War wages on. During the course of these 18 years, the LRA performed uncountable amounts of despicable atrocities towards the civilians of Uganda. They have been accused of widespread human rights violations; which includes the abduction of civilians, the use of child soldiers and a number of massacres.

The LRA is responsible for the abduction of an estimated 20,000 children. The abducted boys are terrorised into virtual slavery as soldiers, guards and porters whilst the girls are made to serve as sex and labor slaves. Some children, mainly girls, are sold, traded, or given as gifts to arms dealers in Sudan. In addition to being beaten, raped, and made to march until exhausted, the abducted children are forced to participate in the killing of other children who have attempted to escape. It isn’t unheard of for children being ordered to kill their own friends.

The most heart-wrenching thing is having to watch a child recount the horrors of being held captive by the LRA.

Imagine coming home from school completely unassuming, and the next thing you know, you are forcefully taken away from your home, your family, and everything you have ever held dear in your heart. Then imagine having your hands and legs bound tightly and being made to lie in a stream day and night. Imagine having to watch helplessly as mere children are forced to kill a child who has tried to escape. Imagine the horror of watching as the same children are ordered to rub their hands with the brain of the unfortunate child and to smear the smashed brain with the same child’s blood. Imagine being 10 years old and being witness to this.

Next, imagine a carefree child playing happily with 7 of her friends. Then imagine her and all her friends being abducted by the LRA. One would fear for the fate of this child and her 7 friends. What became of them?
As is customary, the children were bound tightly and watched around the clock by guards to ensure that they do not escape. They were also warned that should they even attempt to escape, death would be the only outcome. What happened with these girls was, when night approached, their bonds were loosened. Next, the guard watching them pretended to fall asleep. It is inevitable that one girl did try to run away. It also comes as no surprise that it was a botched attempt. Having failed to heed the warnings of the LRA, only doom awaits the poor child. Her 7 friends who were cheerily playing with her not too long ago were made to gather around her. The 7 girls were then given a single Command : Bite her to death and one Warning : Should you raise your head after biting your friend and no flesh sticks to your teeth, you too shall be killed. And that is what happened to the carefree child. Bitten to death by her friends.

I cannot even endeavor to imagine myself being in the shoes of that unfortunate girl or any of her friends.

It breaks my heart to realize human beings like you and me are being treated so appallingly… by other human beings just like you and me, no less. And yet, there is nothing I can do about it. The only thing I have to offer are my prayers. The only consolation being that these children are free from pain and in a much better place now. It is so sad that some parts of the world have come to a point where death seems a better option.

It is at times like these that I remind myself to be grateful for what I have. My life is not perfect. And yet, at least I am alive and I have a lot of things to live for. I am blessed.

My Story

2005-07-30T05:35:00.000+08:00

Like words filling the pages of a book,
Like notes bearing the music of a song,
The tears that I no longer can hold,
They too have a story of their own.

Each droplet carries within itself,
Every remorse and every hurt,
Sown from a soul that knows,
Somewhere along the line;
I cower when I should conquer.

Delving into the depths of this tale,
Doubtful yet still searching to this day,
Surely goodness however scarce, reside within,
For even the darkest cloud hides a silver lining.

Fleeting time changes every constant,
Forever stills in the presence of today,
Tomorrow they may carry different secrets,
Today, I work to earn my own place.

They wash away the pain and guilt,
Like rain clearing the sky of gloomy clouds,
They cure the blindness hiding what I should have seen,
The way to a better present;
Not after all, as elusive as I thought.

Trials & Tribulations of Genting Highlands

2005-07-27T20:20:00.000+08:00

The idea was first hatched during one of our mamak sessions. We ie. G… I mean, Dolphin and I, decided it would be fun to go on a trip to Genting with friends. Step 1 having been easily completed, I optimistically proceeded to Step 2 = Job Delegation. Being as intelligent as I am, naturally, I delegated the most ‘important’ job to myself, which is checking out the prices, transportation, lodgings etc. D, on the other hand was given a job which does not require much brain power and which I thus, assumed he would be able to handle with ease = recruiting friends to join in our trip. Step 2 was the furthest we ever got to handling the finer details of this trip in an organized manner. To make a loooong story short, after much deliberation, we finally settled on a day trip and after much difficulty, we managed to agree on a specific date. However, nothing we had experienced so far in the planning of this simple trip can even come close to being compared to the extremely frustrating task of getting an attendance confirmation from our friends. To make an even more looooooog story short, the final name list told to me by D on the night before our trip was this :

Jo En
Vasan / D
Zosimo Ken
Sarah I.K.
Evelyn

We agreed to meet at 7am outside IMU. My day started with a call from D at precisely 7am, telling me he was outside my apartment. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince being the culprit, I actually woke up at the time we were all supposed to meet. Marvelous! After enduring a murder threat, I was given 15 minutes to brush my teeth, shower, get dressed, gulp a glass of water, run to IMU ( I normally take an hour ). I proudly proclaim here that I have broken my life-long record - I took a mere 25 minutes to do all of the above. Not exactly the start of the day that I was hoping for but nevertheless, I was determined to have a good time. Allow me to apologize to V,S and E again for my tardiness. They were most understanding and sweet about it.

Anyway, I was most certainly late but at least, I ARRIVED. Which is more than I can say for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. So, the final, confirmed name list ended up being this :

Jo En ( Present albeit a little late )
Vasan ( I knew you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to kill me and I’ll just pretend I did not notice the dirty looks you were shooting at me )
- Aheeemmmm -
Sarah ( Who was already waiting outside IMU when ‘the sky was still dark’ )
Evelyn ( Who did not have time to change her shoes because she thought she was late and didn’t want to waste another second… your thoughtfulness is admirable, dear )

Despite getting off on a rocky start, I predicted smooth-sailing for the rest of the trip. That said, we had breakfast at KL Central, got on the 9am bus to Genting, took the cable up and arrived on top of the mountain at about 11am.

First Ride : ThreadBare Chair. Superb. Sensation akin to flying though I was a little worried at first about the imbalance caused by someone.

Last Ride : Flying Coaster. Superb Superb Superb !!! Enough said.

Most frequent Ride : Solero Shot. Fantastic view, sensation akin to stomach being ripped up against gravity into the esophagus. Also given the chance to listen to someone scream like a girl. Simply COOL.

Other Great Rides :
Spinning Cups - Note to Self : either sit with short people or sit alone.
Jumbo - Note to D : Read Instructions.
Weightless Car - Surprising and totally unexpected. Got off this ride a little shaken and shocked, thinking over and over ‘that was freakingly fast!’.
CockScrew ( thanks for the spelling check, E ) - one of the better rides.
Bumper Boat - Really FUN. Both while queuing up and while on the ride itself. Thanks again to E, for showing me how to speed up ( all the rides addled my brain a bit )

Lamest Ride : Haunted House. Er… yeah, so NOT scary.

All in all, this trip was really fun. Great rides, great company, not-so-great food, great indulgences ( Ice cream and Belgian Choc Ice Blended ), not-so-great weather ( thank you for the sunburn! Ishhhh… ), not-so-great cuci mata session = FUN

The only downside to the entire trip was what happened right after our relaxing and sinful session in Coffee Bean. After a cupful of calories and bearing an over expanded stomach, we headed to the Flying Coaster for our last ride of the day.
Suffice it to say, Belgian Choc Ice Blended + Flying Coaster = Stupidity
* Do not try lest you end up with all the symptoms of a pregnant lady *

Aftermath of Genting Trip :
By the time we arrived back in Vista, we were all dead tired and ready to crash. However, as it was my sister’s B-Day, I decided to drive home to Cheras after taking a shower. I arrived home at 9:30pm, immediately went upstairs to look for my sister, saw her sleeping on her bed, lie down beside her, gave her a hug and a kiss, whispered ‘Happy Birthday’ and the next thing I knew my sister was moaning and crying and pushing and kicking me away. I stared at her, shocked into immobility and realized belatedly that she was having a nightmare. I tried hugging her, soothing her, crooning to her… all to no avail. After some 10 minutes of crying and violent tossing of all four limbs, she finally woke up. She then proceeded to ignore me ( but not before giving me a look that leaves me without a doubt that she is mad at me ). Finally, she went back to sleep after resisting all my attempts at making peace. Bewildered, I could do nothing else but eat and wonder if I had done anything wrong.

After eating and eating and eating and then feeling nauseous from overeating, I decided I was too full to go to sleep although I had and still have a headache, a sore throat, aching legs and a fuzzy brain. So I decided to blog. My initial plan was answering the Q&A ( courtesy of D ) and then getting my much needed beauty sleep. The sucky thing is, it is now 5:00am. The excitement of the day lingers on. I am tired, dizzy, getting grumpier by the moment. And yet… I cannot sleep.

Q & A

2005-07-27T16:20:00.000+08:00

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. SilverStaR
2. CherryCola
3. Strawberry

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Hair
2. Dimples
3. Complexion

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Weight
2. Teeth
3. Round Face

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Chinese
2. British
3. Royalty

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Anything bad happening to my family members
2. Not being able to give back to my parents what they have given me
3. Loneliness

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Water ( drinking & showering )
2. ALL my Toiletries
3. Clean clothes ( both inside & outside )

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Nightgown
2. Undergarments
3. Specs

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Shania Twain
2. Simple Plan
3. Lobo

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Untitled
2. You & Me
3. From this moment on

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Respect
2. Unwavering Loyalty
3. Loads of Affection

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I have an obsessive compulsive behavior
2. I am fiercely jealous when it comes to affections of people I care about
3. 11 years of being in a girl’s school turned me into an incurable lesbian

THREE physical things about the preferred sex that appeals to you:
1. Nice Eyes and Long Eyelashes
2. Smile
3. Smell ( to be differentiated from Body Odor which by the way, I have ZERO tolerance for )

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Chatting with people who are in touch with their emotional sides and do not bother trying to impress

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Read the seventh Harry Potter book
2. Spend quality time with a certain someone ( after giving that someone a good hard knock on the head / a big hug )
3. Turn back time so that I can spend at least an hour with my ‘lil sis on her b-day

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Pediatrician
2. Psychiatrist
3. Author

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Jordan
2. Isabelle
3. Brandon

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Bring my entire family on at least one wonderful vacation ( no expenses spared )
2. Get married and have children = Loving, happy family of my own
3. Write a book that will leave an impact on its readers

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I am a fan of horror movies
2. I do not cook
3. I am pampered

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I cry easily
2. I have erratic mood swings which I can conveniently blame on PMS
3. I never have enough clothes and shoes and bags

Daisies & Orchids

2005-07-25T04:03:00.000+08:00

I have many fond memories of my childhood. One in particular, came back to me today as I was lying idly on my bed, day-dreaming as usual. The sudden flashback was so real, so vivid, that I felt as if I was propelled back in time to that day 15 years ago; when I was still a high-spirited toddler with an excessive dose of false bravado.

I used to live in a small, close-knit town situated near the edge of a forest that is now playing house to a huge multi-million-ringgit project. Apparently, new shopping complex + new housing area + new row of shops – ( Flora&Fauna ) = Urbanization. Anyway, back when we were still a rural bunch of towns-folk, and before my family and I moved into a more, should we say, modernized location, I used to love roaming around. Evenings were my favorite time of the day. As soon as the sun loses its glare and the winds start picking up, I would grab my little pink shoes and wicker basket ( the sole purpose of which completely eludes my mind now… or maybe I fancy myself quite the girl in The Little Red Riding Hood, minus the red hood, obviously, though I did have a red hat… ), shout a brief farewell to my mother, and off I would go on my daily ‘adventures’.

If I were to document the series of my childhood adventures, I would be able to rival Enid Blyton’s collection of books ( though I must say mine would be far more dull and much less captivating, that is, assuming I can remember them well enough to begin with ). However, one such event remains in my mind with startling clarity and nags at me to be told :

It happened sometime near the end of the year, during the monsoon season when raining cats and dogs was an irritating and yet normal occurrence. I remember it had been raining for 3 consecutive days and always ( you guessed it ) during the evenings. I was getting increasingly restless when finally, I remember it was a Friday, the sun was surprisingly unclouded and blessedly casting its rays down. This superb weather continued throughout the day and lasted well past 7pm. Of course, by then I was long gone from my house.

As I haven’t been roaming around much and knowing I might not be able to do so as often as I would like to considering the rainy season, I decided I wanted to make this day memorable by exploring further into the depths of the forest. And so, being the eager beaver that I was and armed with a daring that only the ignorant can possess, I marched bravely into the forest.

Within minutes of entering the forest, I was completely enthralled by the beauty of God’s Creation. The colors, the smell, the sounds… simply exquisite. I quickly had my fill of ambrosia and, upon noticing the pretty little white flowers growing in abundance alongside the worn stretch of grass on which I had been traversing, I promptly indulged in some vandalizing session. In fact, I got so excited picking daisies, placing some in my little basket and slowly plucking out the petals of others that I hardly noticed where I was heading. I literally followed the daisies.

I cannot remember how much time I spent neglecting my small role in preserving the environment; what I do remember though is that my basket was filled to the brim with daisies and an array of multi-colored flowers by the time I finally realized dusk has approached. I decided then that it was time to go back home. About 10 seconds later, I realized I had no idea which way home was. As I posses a naturally calm nature and relatively high intelligence, I started searching for the daisies that had led me to where I was standing. And lo and behold! Imagine my shock when I could find nary a lone daisy. Either I somehow managed to wipe out the entire population with my itchy hands or I had gone blind. Still reeling from the shock and beginning to feel a teeny bit panicky, I decided to leave it to Him, did a mini myni mo and walked towards my destined direction. I walked and walked and walked. By the time I finally concluded that I was officially lost, I was near hysteria. Somehow I was able to force the tears back, hold my head up high and decide calmly on my next course of action. Of course, I couldn’t think of any.

Just when my lips started quivering, and tears started filling up in my eyes, I noticed something extraordinary. Orchids! Now, before I continue, let me just say that I have always loved orchids. I think they are simply beautifully exotic and achingly delicate. Anyway, most tropical orchids grow on trunks and branches. But what I saw that day was a whole stretch of orchids growing on the ground. And what an amazing sight it was! Completely enticed by the wonders of nature and not having many other options anyway, I headed towards the orchids and allowed them to lead my way. That was probably the best decision I have made that day. It wasn’t long before I came upon familiar territory. I remember very well that the last orchid leading me out of the forest was one that was snow white in color. I said a quick prayer of thanks, ran out of the forest and did not stop until I was safely back home.

I reminisced that night about the irony of the predicament I was in that day. I got lost following the daisies and found my way back again following the orchids. It wasn’t until years later that I realized the extent of the oddity of my experience. Some orchids do grow on the ground, but even then, they grow in remote, isolated areas; certainly not the way I saw them that night, growing side by side, one after the other. Add that to the fact that I never could find that stretch of daisies nor orchids ever again.

Weird but… True ?

Peer Pressure

2005-07-21T12:43:00.000+08:00

Peer : One’s equal in rank or merit
Pressure : Atmospheric condition sending barometer up or down
Peer Pressure : A way of life

It is a given that every one of us are influenced directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly, by the people around us. This is especially so with people our age. The closer we are to someone, the more major their role in molding us. However, I know of people who say that they refuse to succumb to peer pressure. I know of people who do all they can to stay within the boundaries of so-called individuality.

Which brings me to wonder… What constitutes individuality? Are you only entitled to ‘individu-hood’ when you overlook the expectations of society and do as you please? Or do you become one when you excel at a certain arena and earn the recognition of your peers and superiors alike? Are you regaling in your aura of individuality when you hang out with the ‘right’ people and mark up your social status to what is proclaimed as popularity? Or am I being fair when I say that everybody, regardless of age, gender, religion, status and whatnot is in their own right carrying their own brand of individuality? What, pray tell, defines individuality? But then again, I digress…

Ever since I can remember, starting from the tender age of 4 ( I think, considering that a person’s earliest memory normally starts at the age of 4 (?) … ), I have been competing with others my age:

Kejar-kejar – Believe it or not I used to be the tallest girl my age and could sprint like a young Marion Jones ( at least that is what I like to think )

Swing – I can remember my cousins and I egging each other on to see who can swing the highest ( the most memorable swing memory would be the time my cousin So Fie did a complete 360° turn on the swing… to this day, she remains the unbeaten champion of the swing and at that time, we thought she was destined for the circus… you must be there to believe it… that girl can really somersault )

Barbie – Yes, the prettiest and most flirtatious Barbie gets Ken. Tough competition, this one… considering the odds ( ~10 Barbies to 1 Ken )

( Getah something, forgot the name of this game but this was THE childhood game, lasting all the way from pre-school to primary school )… I remember being addicted to this game. Now if I were the champ, I would probably remember its name too… oh well.

The thing is, competition used to be FUN.

Now, competition equates stress. And, for me at least, there is nothing like stress to achieve that surge of motivation one needs when doing something one considers a chore eg. studying ( fear of failing med school can only be described as paralyzing ), exercising ( owning a weighing machine is key ), learning how to cook ( fear of starving when in PMS is essential )…

And as I say this the other main reason for studying is not wanting to be deemed an idiot by other IMU friends, exercising ( though not as often as I should ) because I have no wish to look like an elephant next to my Twiggy-look-alike peers, learning how to cook so as to be able to prove some male-chauvinists ( who think that girls are useless ) wrong…

I used to stand firmly by my belief that I have not and will not bow to such shallowness as to let my peers determine the course of my actions merely to gain entry into the elite ‘accepted’ group and hence “belonging”. However, I now believe that I have not and will not let them determine it, but influence me, they did. A bit of nudge here, a bit of push there… some way or other, our peers do play a role in guiding our hands as we write our own individual script. The extent to which we relinquish such power… now, that’s another story.

Just for LaughS

2005-07-19T07:40:00.000+08:00

Funny Quotes

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do.
The only reason I talk to myself is because I am the only person whose answers I accept.
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

Lame Pick-Up Lines

Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: My Eyes.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first. ( Worst line EVER... and that's saying something )
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date? ( Rolls Eyes )
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers. ( MUAHAHAHA )
Giant polar bear (What?) It broke the ice.

Celebrity Quote of the Day

'Date Prince William?No,he's too...horsey.'-Keira Knightley

Moving on...

Great Poem

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

INVICTUS by William Ernest Henley ( 1849-1903 )

Food for Thought

' It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. '

Ralph Waldo Emerson, American writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

I trust Napolean

2005-07-17T20:42:00.000+08:00

1640 words and still painstakingly counting...

Quote of the day : ' Anything you can believe, you can achieve ' so said Napolean Hill.

Well, if you say so,Hill. I'm gonna take your word for it.
I believe I can finish my report on time. I believe I can still get an A for my Selective. I believe I can Fly...

Christmas Eve

2005-07-17T12:42:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: December 24

Born on the 24th, you have a greater capacity for responsibility and helping others than your may have realized.

You may also become the mediator and peacemaker in inharmonious situations.

Devoted to family, you tend to manage and protect.

This birth date adds to the emotional nature and perhaps to the sensitivities.

Affections are important to you; both the giving and the receiving.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Traumatized

2005-07-17T09:10:00.001+08:00

Ugh… I’m sick of reading about PTSD. This entire episode is making me more and more convinced that I will soon be suffering a nervous breakdown. Why? Why? Why am I such a procrastinator??? There is just too much information… what a way to boggle my mind. As if it hasn’t been boggled enough lately.

To make matters worse, I have to content with Vasanthakumar smugly telling me he has victoriously completed his report AND Zosimo Ken bragging about his 1468 words ( as compared to my 334 ) whilst telling me not to kill myself YET ( the amazing thing would be the fact that he still managed to come away sounding all nice and sweet by saying things like ‘ … u can do it… don’t give up… all the best… ’ ; seriously, ZK… )

The most important thing I’ve read about PTSD is that it is twice as likely for traumatized women to develop PTSD as compared to traumatized men. Hmmm…

Shame

2005-07-15T09:30:00.000+08:00

I believe in God. I believe in striving for what we want in our lives. I believe in Love.

I believe that you decide and you persist and you do your best.

I believe that we hold our destiny in the palm of our hands. That translates to doing all you can to achieve what you want and letting God be your guide. It does not mean leaving it all to Him and taking a backseat while journeying through life.

Divine guidance is that part inside you which cries when you see the tears of a broken child; the part that ache for the sorrows of others, weep at the indignities of the world, clamour for the chance to lend a hand. Faith is to allow that part of you to lead.

Point to Ponder : I have faith. When you take a look inside, Are we really so different from each other?

It is a shame indeed that something as pure as love can be hampered by something as holy as religion.

14th of July 2005

2005-07-15T02:40:00.000+08:00

* Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to Jo El,
Happy Birthday to you!! *

What a sweet way to start the morning! What a glorious day!

The day started off with my usual morning routine ( brushing teeth + day dreaming…yeah, girls take every opportunity to ‘multi-task’ ) --> boring, boring, boring --> Phone : New SMS -->Retrieve SMS à YAY! --> Strawberry : Can’t stop smiling to herself for the next hour --> Sudden, blinding realization… Gasp! --> 14/7 – Jo El’s B-Day! --> Aftermath of sudden revelation --> “ I’m going Home!! ”

:)

10 Things I Hate about You

2005-07-14T17:00:00.000+08:00

1. You make me feel inadequate
2. You make me nervous
3. You make me blush
4. You turn me into a blundering idiot
5. You distract me
6. You roller coaster-ed my emotions
7. You made me binge two nights in a row
8. I think you have not M.O.
9. You = Clueless
10. You make me realize I brought this upon myself

Trapped in a Maze

2005-07-14T14:23:00.000+08:00

Round and round and round. Again and again and again. I’m getting tired of groping around in the dark. Tired of chasing after an invisible trail. Tired of feeling lost. Tired of this vulnerability. I keep asking myself if it is time to opt out. Maybe it is better to just stay away, before it is too late. I don’t need to know what waits at the end. I don’t handle disappointments well. If only I can silence the part of me that still question the possibilities… Perhaps I can somehow find my way around; perhaps, miraculously, a merciful angel will guide me along; perhaps I am nearly there. As impossible as it may seem, it is difficult to destroy that tiny glimmer of hope.

The truth is, I am not even entirely sure what it is I am heading towards.

Why make life difficult?
Because… I am bored.

Meow to Moggy

2005-07-14T02:44:00.000+08:00

Sorry, for being too blind to see and too deaf to hear.
Sorry, for not being there.
Sorry, for the way things can be sometimes.

If I can turn back time to erase all the ways in which I was not a good friend, I would. But I can’t.

The things that I can do though, I will.

If you need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, I’m always here.
If you need someone to cheer you up, hmm… we can always have another Capri-pasar malam-Golden Bread session.
If you need retail therapy, well, I have a car and you know the way to Mid Valley.

Last but not least, I really hope everything turns out fine!

Inscription for the Fourth

2005-07-13T18:10:00.000+08:00

There is much we do not know about ourselves. I can hardly think of anyone who is an exception to that particular rule. All the qualities in a person make them special in their own unique way.

· Great sense of humour
· Ability to laugh at self
· Kindness
· Sincerity
· Thoughtfulness
· Caring
· Loving
· Strong belief in one’s principles, in self, in God
· Hardworking
· Strength of character
· Confidence
· Strong sense of duty
· Selflessness

Just to name a few of the qualities of a wonderful person.

Simple Pleasures

2005-07-13T16:20:00.000+08:00

Tried counting all the stars in the sky,
Tried drawing pictures with the clouds above,
Tried building castles on high tide,
Maybe I’m as silly as they say.

I believe angels guide me in the day,
And fairies watch over me when I sleep,
I believe Santa came to fill my sock,
Maybe I’m a dreamer like they say.

Took a walk in the garden yesterday,
I swear the birds sang what I hum,
Talked to my dog not so long ago,
I swear he cried as I wept.

I can recite every word in Cinderella,
I can even name all the dwarfs in Snow White,
I believe in princes on gleaming white horses,
Maybe I’m as childish as they say.

Once I came upon a four-leaf clover,
And later on found a rock just like it,
I kept both in my little treasure box,
Maybe it is as worthless as they say.

I heard lots and I gained lots,
I do believe we learn from those we meet,
However, ‘tis just me choosing my own course,
And ‘tis simple pleasures in life,
I hold dear to my heart.

Post Traumatic Stress DIsorder ( PTSD )

2005-07-13T15:23:00.000+08:00

Sounds pretty impressive, does it not? If only I can say the same about the journals, articles, etc that I have found on this same topic. Every attempt I have made so far to get started on my report on PTSD has been met with yawn after yawn… to the point that I have procrastinated doing it until 3 days before the due date. I cannot figure out what made me decide on a topic as boring as this. I suppose it is too late now to think of another topic. Besides, my brain has been out of practice for so long I don’t think I can find anything more ‘interesting’ than what I have now. Whoever said something about one digging their own grave really knew what he/she was talking about. Frankly speaking, I dug my own grave.

Reflections

2005-07-13T02:30:00.000+08:00

Am I deluding myself by thinking that there is even a remote chance of something beautiful happening?
Am I asking too much based on too little?
Am I not good enough?
Am I insane?

If I’ve said this once, I’ve said it a million times. ‘ People can be so ridiculously clueless. ’ What does it take to get a point across? Short of spelling things out letter by letter… I JUST CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. I mean, HELLO!! There really is a reason why the area between our skulls are not empty, you know. In case you still don’t get it, the prefrontal cortex can ( surprise, surprise! ) be used for the production of thoughts, ideas, reasons and ( wow! ), it is also involved in a person’s intellect! And if this is still too deep and completely unfathomable to you, You are clearly heading towards the wrong profession.

Sigh… now that I have vent my frustrations, I can finally provide an answer to my last question. Yes, I am insane. My bursts of anger make me say things I absolutely do not mean and then my guilty conscience makes me feel worse. And ridden with irritation and guilt with no way to patch things up, the only thing left to do would be to meet up with Gorilla and/or Cat for a huge bingeing session. Suffice it to say, the only punishment goes to the width of our hips.

Now, I refuse to think that I can’t measure up. Surely, no one is too good for someone else.

We are all entitled to our own set of expectations. Who’s to say if they are too high or too low? As long as it suits me just fine… and besides, I do not insist on having my expectations met all the time. All I am asking for is some form of reciprocation ( +ve or -ve ) . If that still defies your capabilities, I rest my case.

Finally, the most imminent question in my mind. Alas, it is also the only one I have no answer to.

Z

2005-07-12T03:30:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered what it feels like to have this irresistible urge to strangle someone and yet knowing that,given a chance, you will never do it simply because that someone is much too precious to you? Well, for the record, it is a sucky feeling. I wish a million wishes something will happen to knock some sense into that thick skull and yet wish a million wishes for that someone to remain blissfully in Dreamland. The hardest thing to do is wait...For the answers to all the unasked questions in my mind, for the uncertainty of tomorrow, for an absolution. What an irony it is to find someone so wonderful just when time is running short. Can that possibly be a sign? But then again, I do not believe in a prearranged path. I have to ask myself how far I am willing to go for this. The stakes are high but I truly,deeply believe that it will be worthy. Just maybe...