UnCharted Territory

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Leap

“Girls think wayyyyyyyy too much!!” said V.

Is it true? Do we think too much? About everything? About anything? About nothing at all?

If we do, then why? Why do girls think so much? Why do boys not think at all?

Wouldn’t it be good to be able to:

1) take the plunge without peeking over the edge

2) close our eyes and let our hearts guide us to wherever

3) let ourselves fall backwards without peering to see what’s behind

Wouldn’t life be more fun and exciting if we just leap without looking?

Monday, May 29, 2006

Ambiguity

Do we sometimes think too much?

Is it true that the best solution is usually the simplest?

Can objectivity overrule subjectivity?

Life would probably be a lot simpler and carefree if only things are made clear. If only words are spoken without hidden meanings. If only we get what we see.

Perhaps the best way to deal with ambiguity is to confront it and if possible weed out the absolute truth. No maybes, no what ifs, no in betweens.

I have always thought of myself as frank and honest, to the point of being blunt at times. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I find myself evasive, indecisive and unsure.

I avoid the issues that really do matter.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Inspiration

I try to appear collected as I see him approaching. But really, I feel unsure and nervous about what will happen. “Come over in here.” He says, with his usual friendly smile.

I sit down, facing him. And proceed to say all that I have to say. I try to do so without stuttering, try to speak as clearly as I can so that he gets exactly what I am saying. Finally, when I am certain I have not left anything out, I stop and look at him expectantly.

He gives me that smile again. Friendly, kind and reassuring all at the same time. Not unlike the aura that he exudes so effortlessly. “Don’t worry.” He says. And for the first time since seeing him more than an hour ago, I relax. I know I am safe.

...Thus began the most meaningful conversation I have had in a long time. He told me with honesty and clarity what he had to say. And I took in as much as I could. I openly accepted his views because I know they are spoken with only my benefit in mind. “Any questions?” he asked.

And I could not help it. I had to ask. I asked about the things I wasn’t sure of, about what I did wrong and what I can do to make it better. And I am glad I asked.

Thank you for the constructive criticism, for the advice, for your wisdom, for your time.

You encouraged and motivated me to do better. You spoke of medicine with such passion.

You inspire me to learn.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Random-ness

A chilly autumn night.

And I was tossing and turning in bed. Slept fitfully as I drifted in and out of weird dreams about people I just spoke to on MSN before going to sleep. Half the time I didn’t know if I was actually awake or sleeping. And it was so unbelievably HOT. I had to get up at about 5am to turn the fan on full blast. Woke up this morning feeling completely un-rested. Didn’t cross my mind that I might be having a fever until Jessie mentioned it ( seriously, at the rate that I’m going, I’m gonna make one heck of a doctor ).

Well, anyway, this is a really random post written by a random girl in one of her random moods. I have a mild fever, nausea and abdominal discomfort. Which isn’t such a bad thing I suppose, since I have an excuse to stay home and play the invalid. No hospital visits on a Monday! Yay!!

Got an email from my fabulous Daddy today. There is no other word to describe him. He says the sweetest things just when I am feeling most vulnerable. THANK YOU.

I have to do an observed history taking and physical examination session tomorrow. Shucks.

Samantha is so HIGH there is no stopping her. But then again, I think she deserves to feel as high as she wants. I hope she reads this… and realizes what a gem she has in the palm of her hands.

I love the way Jo Ve NEVER ever fails to end our phone conversations with “ Call me if you need anything. ” He is a lot sweeter than he knows.

Mei is such a DUNGU fellow. That is what you get for calling me a dungu in MSN, my dear. *laughs evilly*

Jenny, I’m holding you to your promises!! Looking forward to going back to Malaysia *beams*

Fiona, what on earth is happening to you? I haven’t heard from you for ages. I MISS YOU!

Oh, it just occurred to me that today is PDFR. I wonder if Marianne remembers though... I hope she doesn’t so I get to show off my slight progress *cackles evilly* I am just such an evil person… only for today though *angelic smile*

Gosh… this is so random!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

A Jog

I went jogging along Swan River today. Just ran and ran and ran until fatigue set in. I have jogged the same path several times before. But for some reason, today was different.

Today I was different. Today, I was actually awake.

Every gust of the bitingly cold wind, every gasp of breath that I took and every single beat of my heart… forced themselves upon me as I tried to remember what it was that was troubling me. And I could not remember. And then I realized I do not want to remember. Because now, right in this moment, there is more.

I was made acutely aware of the way my ponytail swings from side to side with every step I took. I saw how the sky was painted blue, purple, pink and yellow with splashes of white clouds streaking across it. I heard the children screaming in delight, the blowing wind, the crashing waves, the thumping of my feet on the ground, and the rhythm of the breaths I took. I smiled at the sight of a couple in the midst of having their wedding shots taken. I marveled ( again ) at how silent the dogs here are. I felt the way my body warmed up to the pace of my jog, felt the heat in my face, the racing of my heart, saw the tinge of red coloring my arms as more blood circulated to my extremities. And I felt ALIVE.

I have heard how it is possible to live without actually living, just like it is possible to see without actually seeing and to hear without actually hearing. What is astonishing is the fact that I know and yet I continue. I continue in this state of mind. This state of dreaminess where I am half awake ( or rather half asleep ) most of the time.

It seems like I am so busy chasing after the things that will fill my life up that I forget its very essence.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

?

What do you do when you feel like crying but the tears just won’t fall? What do you do when the only thing stopping you from breaking down is the fact that you are emotionally numb? When you laugh for all the world to see but deep down you are crying out for help, what happens next?

Life is such that the only problems you have are those that your mind perceives to be problems.

How do you know for sure that you are doing fine and not living in denial? How do you know you are doing all the right things or even heading in the right direction? How does one get rid of the infinite dissatisfaction one feels?

If there is such a thing as ‘ Keeping your head when all about you are losing theirs ’, then is it possible to lose your head when everyone else seems to be keeping theirs?