UnCharted Territory

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Do we really need to move on?

When a girl falls for a clueless guy, she has 3 choices:
1. Go after him
2. Befriend him and hope he falls for her
3. Move on
If she decides he is worth it and chose either option 1 or 2, 3 things can happen:
1. He runs for his life
2. He remains as clueless as ever
3. He falls for her and takes over control of the courtship from then on
Of course, most people would probably agree that things definitely do not always go the way we want them to. So, when case 1 or 2 happens, a girl usually chooses one of the following 3 options:
1. Hate him and curse him
2. Move on and be mature enough to remain friends with him
3. Move on and erase him completely from her life

The hardest part is falling for someone that gets under your skin. What do you do when no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot let go? What tactics do you resort to when you have done everything you know to forget? What happens when you realize that despite everything he has ever done and despite your best efforts to move on, he and only he has the ability to make your heart skip a beat with a smile?

Of course, if I know the magic answer to moving on, I’d be a millionaire. However, I do know one simple fact. Time really does heal all wounds. The same goes for the pains of a wounded ego or a lost love.

The question I pose is this: Do we really need to move on?

Perhaps the purest form of affection is one in which we expect nothing in return. That way, there are no expectations to be met and hence, no disappointments. When giving a piece of your heart to someone, give without grief and commit without condition. When you do that, you don’t feel the need to force yourself to forget him when things don’t go as well as you want them to. Then, you enable yourself to remember why you fell for him in the first place, to appreciate him for who he is and to enjoy having him in your life.
Time, will take care of the rest.

Monday, August 22, 2005

To Hell with you

Pride is the worst sin of all.

Pride is the worst enemy of men.

Pride is the worst thing to swallow… ever.

Never again will I put myself in the position where I have to grovel. Never again will I demean myself. Never again will I compromise my dignity.

We always want things to go our way. Unfortunately, they don’t always do. And sometimes there is nothing we can do. Other times, the power to turn the tide falls on the hands of others. That is when we are given a choice.

To beg or not to beg?

When I am stuck in situations such as these, I find the scales tethering uncertainly from one side to another.

Fall on my knees,
I may get my way. After all, I never know until I try. At least I can say I did what I could. And by having things go my way, I either save myself a lot of trouble or I feel a lot happier.

Spit in the face of adversity,
I hold on to my dignity. I stand by my principles. I prove that I am not a pushover.

Of late, I find myself compromising too much of the things that are important to me. This is the last straw. Enough is enough. I cannot undo the past, but I can certainly ensure that I will not do it again. After the initial relief of having things go my way, or worse, after begging and still NOT having things go my way, the bitterness of pride which I forcefully swallowed stays with me and leaves a supremely unpleasant after-taste.

After several of such humbling experiences and after some contemplation, I realized there are some things in life that are simply not worth compromising. Like pride, like dignity, like principles, like morality, like humanity, like self worth, like peace of mind.

Moral of the story :
A summon worth RM300. What the hell. BRING IT ON.
And you; Never again.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Hidden

It is a long, long journey. The paths that need to be traveled are sometimes hidden and I am spoiled by the many choices that are available. Whilst traversing a chosen pathway, inevitably, at times, I get sidetracked. There are many temptations, difficulties; demons of the mind, really, that makes it ten times harder to get from one way to another.

Every turn that I have taken, every decision that I have made, every effort that I have expended was all done with a single, ultimate goal in mind. After every single fall, it is the thought of realizing my dream that forces me to stand on my own two feet again. This is my journey. When the going gets rough, and I am overwhelmed by adversities, the thought that I am never going to make it has never crossed my mind. I am a thousand times stronger than I really am because I am never alone no matter where I go.

I believe we can only really learn by trial and error. There is not a single worthwhile journey that goes in one straight road all the way. I do not take back the mistakes that I have made. I accept every single failure. I try to learn from past experiences. If I have never done anything that I am not proud of, how will I be able to find enough space for me to move forward and improve myself? If I have never tasted the bitterness of failure, how can I savour the sweetness of victory? If I have never been through good times and bad times, how will I ever differentiate between the two?

I have been a little lost recently. I lost sight of my goal and went around chasing castles in the air. I keep telling myself that I should be working steadily towards my goal, I should be focused, I should be berating myself for giving in to temptations. I should this and I should that. At the end of the day, all the ‘I shoulds’ in the world does not get me anywhere. I have to ask myself ‘What way is the right way to live life?’. The only way I know is my way.

I will get back on track again when I am ready and not a minute before that. The truth is, no matter how far I wander, I know I will always find my way back again. Sometimes I cannot see my goal clearly in my mind; sometimes I forget the things I want to achieve in life. But they are always there, just waiting for me to gather enough courage again to face my responsibilities, accept the course that I have chosen and pick up where I left off. They may be hidden but they will never be lost. And because of that, sooner or later, somehow or other, I do what I have to do.

Note to self : Slothfulness is a sin!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

All Over Again

If I can do it all over again…
I would choose to say exactly what I said
I would choose to do exactly what I did
I would not change a thing.


If I can do it all over again…
I would want to meet the same people
I would want to learn the same things
I would not want it any other way.

If I can do it all over again…
I would still make the same mistakes
I would still learn the same lessons
I would not trade a single moment.

If I can do it all over again…
I would take the sadness
I would take the disappointments
Just so I can fall for you
All over again.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Blessed

Of late, I have been undergoing a sort of emotional turmoil. My mood swings have been so erratic and eccentric that I am now emotionally exhausted. I feel rather like an old rag wrung completely and utterly dry. I have nothing left to feel…

Such wishful thinking. The truth is, each time I get close to forgetting, each time I feel able to let go, each time I come within an inch of moving forwards; something holds me back. I simply am not ready to take the consequent step. No matter how many times I reason with myself, No matter how clearly I know of the futility of hanging around merely hoping against hope that something will happen… I remain exactly where I am.

There is also the fact that the first day of the final semester in IMU itself is enough to cause the cortisol level in my body to skyrocket. I am predicting that the musculoskeletal system will be the most difficult system to date.

Plus, the value of money these days are shrinking at a faster rate than a prune.

I am also alarmed by how difficult it is to see through the masks that people put on before facing the world every single day. Most of the time, when you look at someone, you barely scratch the surface of that person’s existence. How much do you really know about the person sitting next to you?

I have so many more mundane everyday concerns and discontentments.
In life, how much is enough?

Two days ago, I came across a documentary in BBC World about the long running dispute in Uganda :

The Lord’s Resistance Army ( LRA ), which is formed in 1987, is a rebel paramilitary group seeking to overthrow the Ugandan Government in favor of the establishment of a government based on the biblical Ten Commandments. To date, the Uganda Civil War wages on. During the course of these 18 years, the LRA performed uncountable amounts of despicable atrocities towards the civilians of Uganda. They have been accused of widespread human rights violations
; which includes the abduction of civilians, the use of child soldiers and a number of massacres.

The LRA is responsible for the abduction of an estimated 20,000 children. The abducted boys are terrorised into virtual slavery as soldiers, guards and porters whilst the girls are made to serve as sex and labor slaves. Some children, mainly girls, are sold, traded, or given as gifts to arms dealers in Sudan. In addition to being beaten, raped, and made to march until exhausted, the abducted children are forced to participate in the killing of other children who have attempted to escape. It isn’t unheard of for children being ordered to kill their own friends.

The most heart-wrenching thing is having to watch a child recount the horrors of being held captive by the LRA.

Imagine coming home from school completely unassuming, and the next thing you know, you are forcefully taken away from your home, your family, and everything you have ever held dear in your heart. Then imagine having your hands and legs bound tightly and being made to lie in a stream day and night. Imagine having to watch helplessly as mere children are forced to kill a child who has tried to escape. Imagine the horror of watching as the same children are ordered to rub their hands with the brain of the unfortunate child and to smear the smashed brain with the same child’s blood. Imagine being 10 years old and being witness to this.

Next, imagine a carefree child playing happily with 7 of her friends. Then imagine her and all her friends being abducted by the LRA. One would fear for the fate of this child and her 7 friends. What became of them?
As is customary, the children were bound tightly and watched around the clock by guards to ensure that they do not escape. They were also warned that should they even attempt to escape, death would be the only outcome. What happened with these girls was, when night approached, their bonds were loosened. Next, the guard watching them pretended to fall asleep. It is inevitable that one girl did try to run away. It also comes as no surprise that it was a botched attempt. Having failed to heed the warnings of the LRA, only doom awaits the poor child. Her 7 friends who were cheerily playing with her not too long ago were made to gather around her. The 7 girls were then given a single Command : Bite her to death and one Warning : Should you raise your head after biting your friend and no flesh sticks to your teeth, you too shall be killed. And that is what happened to the carefree child. Bitten to death by her friends.

I cannot even endeavor to imagine myself being in the shoes of that unfortunate girl or any of her friends.

It breaks my heart to realize human beings like you and me are being treated so appallingly… by other human beings just like you and me, no less. And yet, there is nothing I can do about it. The only thing I have to offer are my prayers. The only consolation being that these children are free from pain and in a much better place now. It is so sad that some parts of the world have come to a point where death seems a better option.

It is at times like these that I remind myself to be grateful for what I have. My life is not perfect. And yet, at least I am alive and I have a lot of things to live for. I am blessed.