UnCharted Territory

Saturday, July 30, 2005

My Story

Like words filling the pages of a book,
Like notes bearing the music of a song,
The tears that I no longer can hold,
They too have a story of their own.

Each droplet carries within itself,
Every remorse and every hurt,
Sown from a soul that knows,
Somewhere along the line;
I cower when I should conquer.

Delving into the depths of this tale,
Doubtful yet still searching to this day,
Surely goodness however scarce, reside within,
For even the darkest cloud hides a silver lining.

Fleeting time changes every constant,
Forever stills in the presence of today,
Tomorrow they may carry different secrets,
Today, I work to earn my own place.

They wash away the pain and guilt,
Like rain clearing the sky of gloomy clouds,
They cure the blindness hiding what I should have seen,
The way to a better present;
Not after all, as elusive as I thought.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Trials & Tribulations of Genting Highlands


The idea was first hatched during one of our mamak sessions. We ie. G… I mean, Dolphin and I, decided it would be fun to go on a trip to Genting with friends. Step 1 having been easily completed, I optimistically proceeded to Step 2 = Job Delegation. Being as intelligent as I am, naturally, I delegated the most ‘important’ job to myself, which is checking out the prices, transportation, lodgings etc. D, on the other hand was given a job which does not require much brain power and which I thus, assumed he would be able to handle with ease = recruiting friends to join in our trip. Step 2 was the furthest we ever got to handling the finer details of this trip in an organized manner. To make a loooong story short, after much deliberation, we finally settled on a day trip and after much difficulty, we managed to agree on a specific date. However, nothing we had experienced so far in the planning of this simple trip can even come close to being compared to the extremely frustrating task of getting an attendance confirmation from our friends. To make an even more looooooog story short, the final name list told to me by D on the night before our trip was this :

Jo En
Vasan / D
Zosimo Ken
Sarah I.K.
Evelyn

We agreed to meet at 7am outside IMU. My day started with a call from D at precisely 7am, telling me he was outside my apartment. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince being the culprit, I actually woke up at the time we were all supposed to meet. Marvelous! After enduring a murder threat, I was given 15 minutes to brush my teeth, shower, get dressed, gulp a glass of water, run to IMU ( I normally take an hour ). I proudly proclaim here that I have broken my life-long record - I took a mere 25 minutes to do all of the above. Not exactly the start of the day that I was hoping for but nevertheless, I was determined to have a good time. Allow me to apologize to V,S and E again for my tardiness. They were most understanding and sweet about it.

Anyway, I was most certainly late but at least, I ARRIVED. Which is more than I can say for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. So, the final, confirmed name list ended up being this :

Jo En ( Present albeit a little late )
Vasan ( I knew you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to kill me and I’ll just pretend I did not notice the dirty looks you were shooting at me )
- Aheeemmmm -
Sarah ( Who was already waiting outside IMU when ‘the sky was still dark’ )
Evelyn ( Who did not have time to change her shoes because she thought she was late and didn’t want to waste another second… your thoughtfulness is admirable, dear )

Despite getting off on a rocky start, I predicted smooth-sailing for the rest of the trip. That said, we had breakfast at KL Central, got on the 9am bus to Genting, took the cable up and arrived on top of the mountain at about 11am.

First Ride : ThreadBare Chair. Superb. Sensation akin to flying though I was a little worried at first about the imbalance caused by someone.

Last Ride : Flying Coaster. Superb Superb Superb !!! Enough said.

Most frequent Ride : Solero Shot. Fantastic view, sensation akin to stomach being ripped up against gravity into the esophagus. Also given the chance to listen to someone scream like a girl. Simply COOL.

Other Great Rides :
Spinning Cups - Note to Self : either sit with short people or sit alone.
Jumbo - Note to D : Read Instructions.
Weightless Car - Surprising and totally unexpected. Got off this ride a little shaken and shocked, thinking over and over ‘that was freakingly fast!’.
CockScrew ( thanks for the spelling check, E ) - one of the better rides.
Bumper Boat - Really FUN. Both while queuing up and while on the ride itself. Thanks again to E, for showing me how to speed up ( all the rides addled my brain a bit )

Lamest Ride : Haunted House. Er… yeah, so NOT scary.

All in all, this trip was really fun. Great rides, great company, not-so-great food, great indulgences ( Ice cream and Belgian Choc Ice Blended ), not-so-great weather ( thank you for the sunburn! Ishhhh… ), not-so-great cuci mata session =
FUN

The only downside to the entire trip was what happened right after our relaxing and sinful session in Coffee Bean. After a cupful of calories and bearing an over expanded stomach, we headed to the Flying Coaster for our last ride of the day.
Suffice it to say,
Belgian Choc Ice Blended + Flying Coaster = Stupidity
* Do not try lest you end up with all the symptoms of a pregnant lady *


Aftermath of Genting Trip :
By the time we arrived back in Vista, we were all dead tired and ready to crash. However, as it was my sister’s B-Day, I decided to drive home to Cheras after taking a shower. I arrived home at 9:30pm, immediately went upstairs to look for my sister, saw her sleeping on her bed, lie down beside her, gave her a hug and a kiss, whispered ‘Happy Birthday’ and the next thing I knew my sister was moaning and crying and pushing and kicking me away. I stared at her, shocked into immobility and realized belatedly that she was having a nightmare. I tried hugging her, soothing her, crooning to her… all to no avail. After some 10 minutes of crying and violent tossing of all four limbs, she finally woke up. She then proceeded to ignore me ( but not before giving me a look that leaves me without a doubt that she is mad at me ). Finally, she went back to sleep after resisting all my attempts at making peace. Bewildered, I could do nothing else but eat and wonder if I had done anything wrong.

After eating and eating and eating and then feeling nauseous from overeating, I decided I was too full to go to sleep although I had and still have a headache, a sore throat, aching legs and a fuzzy brain. So I decided to blog. My initial plan was answering the Q&A ( courtesy of D ) and then getting my much needed beauty sleep. The sucky thing is, it is now 5:00am. The excitement of the day lingers on. I am tired, dizzy, getting grumpier by the moment. And yet… I cannot sleep.

Q & A

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. SilverStaR
2. CherryCola
3. Strawberry

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Hair
2. Dimples
3. Complexion

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Weight
2. Teeth
3. Round Face

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Chinese
2. British
3. Royalty

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Anything bad happening to my family members
2. Not being able to give back to my parents what they have given me
3. Loneliness

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Water ( drinking & showering )
2. ALL my Toiletries
3. Clean clothes ( both inside & outside )

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Nightgown
2. Undergarments
3. Specs

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Shania Twain
2. Simple Plan
3. Lobo

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Untitled
2. You & Me
3. From this moment on

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Respect
2. Unwavering Loyalty
3. Loads of Affection

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I have an obsessive compulsive behavior
2. I am fiercely jealous when it comes to affections of people I care about
3. 11 years of being in a girl’s school turned me into an incurable lesbian

THREE physical things about the preferred sex that appeals to you:
1. Nice Eyes and Long Eyelashes
2. Smile
3. Smell ( to be differentiated from Body Odor which by the way, I have ZERO tolerance for )

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Chatting with people who are in touch with their emotional sides and do not bother trying to impress

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Read the seventh Harry Potter book
2. Spend quality time with a certain someone ( after giving that someone a good hard knock on the head / a big hug )
3. Turn back time so that I can spend at least an hour with my ‘lil sis on her b-day

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Pediatrician
2. Psychiatrist
3. Author

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Jordan
2. Isabelle
3. Brandon

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Bring my entire family on at least one wonderful vacation ( no expenses spared )
2. Get married and have children = Loving, happy family of my own
3. Write a book that will leave an impact on its readers

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I am a fan of horror movies
2. I do not cook
3. I am pampered

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I cry easily
2. I have erratic mood swings which I can conveniently blame on PMS
3. I never have enough clothes and shoes and bags

Monday, July 25, 2005

Daisies & Orchids

I have many fond memories of my childhood. One in particular, came back to me today as I was lying idly on my bed, day-dreaming as usual. The sudden flashback was so real, so vivid, that I felt as if I was propelled back in time to that day 15 years ago; when I was still a high-spirited toddler with an excessive dose of false bravado.

I used to live in a small, close-knit town situated near the edge of a forest that is now playing house to a huge multi-million-ringgit project. Apparently, new shopping complex + new housing area + new row of shops – ( Flora&Fauna ) = Urbanization
. Anyway, back when we were still a rural bunch of towns-folk, and before my family and I moved into a more, should we say, modernized location, I used to love roaming around. Evenings were my favorite time of the day. As soon as the sun loses its glare and the winds start picking up, I would grab my little pink shoes and wicker basket ( the sole purpose of which completely eludes my mind now… or maybe I fancy myself quite the girl in The Little Red Riding Hood, minus the red hood, obviously, though I did have a red hat… ), shout a brief farewell to my mother, and off I would go on my daily ‘adventures’.

If I were to document the series of my childhood adventures, I would be able to rival Enid Blyton’s collection of books ( though I must say mine would be far more dull and much less captivating, that is, assuming I can remember them well enough to begin with ). However, one such event remains in my mind with startling clarity and nags at me to be told :

It happened sometime near the end of the year, during the monsoon season when raining cats and dogs was an irritating and yet normal occurrence. I remember it had been raining for 3 consecutive days and always ( you guessed it ) during the evenings. I was getting increasingly restless when finally, I remember it was a Friday, the sun was surprisingly unclouded and blessedly casting its rays down. This superb weather continued throughout the day and lasted well past 7pm. Of course, by then I was long gone from my house.

As I haven’t been roaming around much and knowing I might not be able to do so as often as I would like to considering the rainy season, I decided I wanted to make this day memorable by exploring further into the depths of the forest. And so, being the eager beaver that I was and armed with a daring that only the ignorant can possess, I marched bravely into the forest.


Within minutes of entering the forest, I was completely enthralled by the beauty of God’s Creation. The colors, the smell, the sounds… simply exquisite. I quickly had my fill of ambrosia and, upon noticing the pretty little white flowers growing in abundance alongside the worn stretch of grass on which I had been traversing, I promptly indulged in some vandalizing session. In fact, I got so excited picking daisies, placing some in my little basket and slowly plucking out the petals of others that I hardly noticed where I was heading. I literally followed the daisies.

I cannot remember how much time I spent neglecting my small role in preserving the environment; what I do remember though is that my basket was filled to the brim with daisies and an array of multi-colored flowers by the time I finally realized dusk has approached. I decided then that it was time to go back home. About 10 seconds later, I realized I had no idea which way home was. As I posses a naturally calm nature and relatively high intelligence, I started searching for the daisies that had led me to where I was standing. And lo and behold! Imagine my shock when I could find nary a lone daisy. Either I somehow managed to wipe out the entire population with my itchy hands or I had gone blind. Still reeling from the shock and beginning to feel a teeny bit panicky, I decided to leave it to Him, did a mini myni mo and walked towards my destined direction. I walked and walked and walked. By the time I finally concluded that I was officially lost, I was near hysteria. Somehow I was able to force the tears back, hold my head up high and decide calmly on my next course of action. Of course, I couldn’t think of any.

Just when my lips started quivering, and tears started filling up in my eyes, I noticed something extraordinary. Orchids! Now, before I continue, let me just say that I have always loved orchids. I think they are simply beautifully exotic and achingly delicate. Anyway, most tropical orchids grow on trunks and branches. But what I saw that day was a whole stretch of orchids growing on the ground. And what an amazing sight it was! Completely enticed by the wonders of nature and not having many other options anyway, I headed towards the orchids and allowed them to lead my way. That was probably the best decision I have made that day. It wasn’t long before I came upon familiar territory. I remember very well that the last orchid leading me out of the forest was one that was snow white in color. I said a quick prayer of thanks, ran out of the forest and did not stop until I was safely back home.

I reminisced that night about the irony of the predicament I was in that day. I got lost following the daisies and found my way back again following the orchids. It wasn’t until years later that I realized the extent of the oddity of my experience. Some orchids do grow on the ground, but even then, they grow in remote, isolated areas; certainly not the way I saw them that night, growing side by side, one after the other. Add that to the fact that I never could find that stretch of daisies nor orchids ever again.

Weird but… True ?


Thursday, July 21, 2005

Peer Pressure

Peer : One’s equal in rank or merit
Pressure : Atmospheric condition sending barometer up or down
Peer Pressure : A way of life

It is a given that every one of us are influenced directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly, by the people around us. This is especially so with people our age. The closer we are to someone, the more major their role in molding us. However, I know of people who say that they refuse to succumb to peer pressure. I know of people who do all they can to stay within the boundaries of so-called individuality.

Which brings me to wonder… What constitutes individuality? Are you only entitled to ‘individu-hood’ when you overlook the expectations of society and do as you please? Or do you become one when you excel at a certain arena and earn the recognition of your peers and superiors alike? Are you regaling in your aura of individuality when you hang out with the ‘right’ people and mark up your social status to what is proclaimed as popularity? Or am I being fair when I say that everybody, regardless of age, gender, religion, status and whatnot is in their own right carrying their own brand of individuality? What, pray tell, defines individuality? But then again, I digress…

Ever since I can remember, starting from the tender age of 4 ( I think, considering that a person’s earliest memory normally starts at the age of 4 (?) … ), I have been competing with others my age:

Kejar-kejar – Believe it or not I used to be the tallest girl my age and could sprint like a young Marion Jones ( at least that is what I like to think )

Swing – I can remember my cousins and I egging each other on to see who can swing the highest ( the most memorable swing memory would be the time my cousin So Fie did a complete 360° turn on the swing… to this day, she remains the unbeaten champion of the swing and at that time, we thought she was destined for the circus… you must be there to believe it… that girl can really somersault )

Barbie – Yes, the prettiest and most flirtatious Barbie gets Ken. Tough competition, this one… considering the odds ( ~10 Barbies to 1 Ken )

( Getah something, forgot the name of this game but this was THE childhood game, lasting all the way from pre-school to primary school )… I remember being addicted to this game. Now if I were the champ, I would probably remember its name too… oh well.

The thing is, competition used to be FUN.

Now, competition equates stress. And, for me at least, there is nothing like stress to achieve that surge of motivation one needs when doing something one considers a chore eg. studying ( fear of failing med school can only be described as paralyzing ), exercising ( owning a weighing machine is key ), learning how to cook ( fear of starving when in PMS is essential )…

And as I say this the other main reason for studying is not wanting to be deemed an idiot by other IMU friends, exercising ( though not as often as I should ) because I have no wish to look like an elephant next to my Twiggy-look-alike peers, learning how to cook so as to be able to prove some male-chauvinists ( who think that girls are useless ) wrong…

I used to stand firmly by my belief that I have not and will not bow to such shallowness as to let my peers determine the course of my actions merely to gain entry into the elite ‘accepted’ group and hence “belonging”. However, I now believe that I have not and will not let them determine it, but influence me, they did. A bit of nudge here, a bit of push there… some way or other, our peers do play a role in guiding our hands as we write our own individual script. The extent to which we relinquish such power… now, that’s another story.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Just for LaughS

Funny Quotes

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do.
The only reason I talk to myself is because I am the only person whose answers I accept.
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

Lame Pick-Up Lines

Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: My Eyes.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first. ( Worst line EVER... and that's saying something )
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date? ( Rolls Eyes )
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers. ( MUAHAHAHA )
Giant polar bear (What?) It broke the ice.

Celebrity Quote of the Day

'Date Prince William?No,he's too...horsey.'-Keira Knightley


Moving on...

Great Poem


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.


It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

INVICTUS by William Ernest Henley ( 1849-1903 )

Food for Thought

' It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. '

Ralph Waldo Emerson, American writer and philosopher (1803-1882)



Sunday, July 17, 2005

I trust Napolean

1640 words and still painstakingly counting...

Quote of the day : ' Anything you can believe, you can achieve ' so said Napolean Hill.

Well, if you say so,Hill. I'm gonna take your word for it.
I believe I can finish my report on time. I believe I can still get an A for my Selective. I believe I can Fly...



Christmas Eve








Your Birthdate: December 24

Born on the 24th, you have a greater capacity for responsibility and helping others than your may have realized.

You may also become the mediator and peacemaker in inharmonious situations.

Devoted to family, you tend to manage and protect.



This birth date adds to the emotional nature and perhaps to the sensitivities.

Affections are important to you; both the giving and the receiving.


Traumatized

Ugh… I’m sick of reading about PTSD. This entire episode is making me more and more convinced that I will soon be suffering a nervous breakdown. Why? Why? Why am I such a procrastinator??? There is just too much information… what a way to boggle my mind. As if it hasn’t been boggled enough lately.

To make matters worse, I have to content with Vasanthakumar smugly telling me he has victoriously completed his report AND Zosimo Ken bragging about his 1468 words ( as compared to my 334 ) whilst telling me not to kill myself YET ( the amazing thing would be the fact that he still managed to come away sounding all nice and sweet by saying things like ‘ … u can do it… don’t give up… all the best… ’ ; seriously, ZK… )

The most important thing I’ve read about PTSD is that it is twice as likely for traumatized women to develop PTSD as compared to traumatized men. Hmmm…

Friday, July 15, 2005

Shame

I believe in God. I believe in striving for what we want in our lives. I believe in Love.

I believe that you decide and you persist and you do your best.

I believe that we hold our destiny in the palm of our hands. That translates to doing all you can to achieve what you want and letting God be your guide. It does not mean leaving it all to Him and taking a backseat while journeying through life.

Divine guidance is that part inside you which cries when you see the tears of a broken child; the part that ache for the sorrows of others, weep at the indignities of the world, clamour for the chance to lend a hand. Faith is to allow that part of you to lead.

Point to Ponder : I have faith. When you take a look inside, Are we really so different from each other?

It is a shame indeed that something as pure as love can be hampered by something as holy as religion.

14th of July 2005

* Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to Jo El,
Happy Birthday to you!! *

What a sweet way to start the morning! What a glorious day!

The day started off with my usual morning routine ( brushing teeth + day dreaming…yeah, girls take every opportunity to ‘multi-task’ ) --> boring, boring, boring --> Phone : New SMS -->Retrieve SMS à YAY! --> Strawberry : Can’t stop smiling to herself for the next hour --> Sudden, blinding realization… Gasp! --> 14/7 – Jo El’s B-Day! --> Aftermath of sudden revelation --> “ I’m going Home!! ”

:)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

10 Things I Hate about You

1. You make me feel inadequate
2. You make me nervous
3. You make me blush
4. You turn me into a blundering idiot
5. You distract me
6. You roller coaster-ed my emotions
7. You made me binge two nights in a row
8. I think you have not M.O.
9. You = Clueless
10. You make me realize I brought this upon myself

Trapped in a Maze

Round and round and round. Again and again and again. I’m getting tired of groping around in the dark. Tired of chasing after an invisible trail. Tired of feeling lost. Tired of this vulnerability. I keep asking myself if it is time to opt out. Maybe it is better to just stay away, before it is too late. I don’t need to know what waits at the end. I don’t handle disappointments well. If only I can silence the part of me that still question the possibilities… Perhaps I can somehow find my way around; perhaps, miraculously, a merciful angel will guide me along; perhaps I am nearly there. As impossible as it may seem, it is difficult to destroy that tiny glimmer of hope.

The truth is, I am not even entirely sure what it is I am heading towards.

Why make life difficult?
Because… I am bored.

Meow to Moggy

Sorry, for being too blind to see and too deaf to hear.
Sorry, for not being there.
Sorry, for the way things can be sometimes.

If I can turn back time to erase all the ways in which I was not a good friend, I would. But I can’t.

The things that I can do though, I will.

If you need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, I’m always here.
If you need someone to cheer you up, hmm… we can always have another Capri-pasar malam-Golden Bread session.
If you need retail therapy, well, I have a car and you know the way to Mid Valley.

Last but not least, I really hope everything turns out fine!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Inscription for the Fourth

There is much we do not know about ourselves. I can hardly think of anyone who is an exception to that particular rule. All the qualities in a person make them special in their own unique way.

· Great sense of humour
· Ability to laugh at self
· Kindness
· Sincerity
· Thoughtfulness
· Caring
· Loving
· Strong belief in one’s principles, in self, in God
· Hardworking
· Strength of character
· Confidence
· Strong sense of duty
· Selflessness

Just to name a few of the qualities of a wonderful person.

Simple Pleasures

Tried counting all the stars in the sky,
Tried drawing pictures with the clouds above,
Tried building castles on high tide,
Maybe I’m as silly as they say.

I believe angels guide me in the day,
And fairies watch over me when I sleep,
I believe Santa came to fill my sock,
Maybe I’m a dreamer like they say.

Took a walk in the garden yesterday,
I swear the birds sang what I hum,
Talked to my dog not so long ago,
I swear he cried as I wept.

I can recite every word in Cinderella,
I can even name all the dwarfs in Snow White,
I believe in princes on gleaming white horses,
Maybe I’m as childish as they say.

Once I came upon a four-leaf clover,
And later on found a rock just like it,
I kept both in my little treasure box,
Maybe it is as worthless as they say.

I heard lots and I gained lots,
I do believe we learn from those we meet,
However, ‘tis just me choosing my own course,
And ‘tis simple pleasures in life,
I hold dear to my heart.

Post Traumatic Stress DIsorder ( PTSD )

Sounds pretty impressive, does it not? If only I can say the same about the journals, articles, etc that I have found on this same topic. Every attempt I have made so far to get started on my report on PTSD has been met with yawn after yawn… to the point that I have procrastinated doing it until 3 days before the due date. I cannot figure out what made me decide on a topic as boring as this. I suppose it is too late now to think of another topic. Besides, my brain has been out of practice for so long I don’t think I can find anything more ‘interesting’ than what I have now. Whoever said something about one digging their own grave really knew what he/she was talking about. Frankly speaking, I dug my own grave.

Reflections

Am I deluding myself by thinking that there is even a remote chance of something beautiful happening?
Am I asking too much based on too little?
Am I not good enough?
Am I insane?

If I’ve said this once, I’ve said it a million times. ‘ People can be so ridiculously clueless. ’ What does it take to get a point across? Short of spelling things out letter by letter… I JUST CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. I mean, HELLO!! There really is a reason why the area between our skulls are not empty, you know. In case you still don’t get it, the prefrontal cortex can ( surprise, surprise! ) be used for the production of thoughts, ideas, reasons and ( wow! ), it is also involved in a person’s intellect! And if this is still too deep and completely unfathomable to you, You are clearly heading towards the wrong profession.

Sigh… now that I have vent my frustrations, I can finally provide an answer to my last question. Yes, I am insane. My bursts of anger make me say things I absolutely do not mean and then my guilty conscience makes me feel worse. And ridden with irritation and guilt with no way to patch things up, the only thing left to do would be to meet up with Gorilla and/or Cat for a huge bingeing session. Suffice it to say, the only punishment goes to the width of our hips.

Now, I refuse to think that I can’t measure up. Surely, no one is too good for someone else.

We are all entitled to our own set of expectations. Who’s to say if they are too high or too low? As long as it suits me just fine… and besides, I do not insist on having my expectations met all the time. All I am asking for is some form of reciprocation ( +ve or -ve ) . If that still defies your capabilities, I rest my case.

Finally, the most imminent question in my mind. Alas, it is also the only one I have no answer to.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Z

Ever wondered what it feels like to have this irresistible urge to strangle someone and yet knowing that,given a chance, you will never do it simply because that someone is much too precious to you? Well, for the record, it is a sucky feeling. I wish a million wishes something will happen to knock some sense into that thick skull and yet wish a million wishes for that someone to remain blissfully in Dreamland. The hardest thing to do is wait...For the answers to all the unasked questions in my mind, for the uncertainty of tomorrow, for an absolution. What an irony it is to find someone so wonderful just when time is running short. Can that possibly be a sign? But then again, I do not believe in a prearranged path. I have to ask myself how far I am willing to go for this. The stakes are high but I truly,deeply believe that it will be worthy. Just maybe...