Do not look back in grief over the past for it is gone
Do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come
Live in the present
And make it so beautiful that it will be worth the memory

La Vie en Rose

I always believe we all live life in the best possible way that we know how. Our way may not be the right way or the most ideal way, but it is the only one we know how to follow. We go with what seems right at the moment only to realize, sometimes that we have made a mistake. How then do we go about rectifying the wrongs?

Life would certainly go a much smoother path if only we knew in advance what was right and what was wrong. If only we have the ability to foresee what the consequences of our actions would be. I always tell myself never to regret anything. What has happened cannot be changed. The aftermath of each decision we make remains… and we have no choice but to live with it. The best thing to do next would be to make the most out of it and if possible, learn.

On the other hand, if we can take life with a pinch of salt, if we can look at things in a different and wider perspective, perhaps it would be a lot easier to be happy. We do not have to take ourselves too seriously. We only live once.

We all fall at times. If we can just pick ourselves up, brush our knees off, and stride straight ahead, we might reach a greater height than we ever did before the fall. And even if we do not, at least we are far away from rock bottom. We give ourselves a better shot the next time around.

I do not know the answers. I do not even know the questions. I cannot see what lies ahead and I cannot hear the whispers telling me how I should be doing things. I do what I can right at this moment, keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

La Vie en Rose.

Letting go

I should let it go…
I should let the past stay in the past.

Perhaps it is time for me to understand…

We all have a history. Everyone we meet carries a baggage of their own. I must admit the content of that baggage is important. That the past in every one of us makes a contribution towards shaping our future. But… that is where we learn. That is how we mature and become better people.

When does the past stop becoming a contribution and more a hindrance towards what can be?

There are a lot of things I wish I can understand better. But I cannot. Simply because I lack the experience that gives complete and true understanding. That is why I struggle. That is why I hold back. If you cannot understand, how can you believe beyond a reasonable doubt?

I have struggled for so long…
It is time to let go.

We all try our very best. We do what we can at the moment and hope for the best. And if things do not go the way we want them to, we move on. No regrets. Moving on does not make us a bad person. It does not make us a lesser person. We are all merely surviving.

When the past comes back to haunt us and stops us from moving forward… that is when we know it is time to let go of the past. I, too, am merely surviving. I may not truly understand but I do want a better future… with you.

Perhaps, sometimes, we do not need to understand. We just need to have faith.

And I do.

Depth

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. There is no direction anymore. I find myself standing one quarter of the way in the circumference of a vast jungle. I have a vague idea where I want to end up in and yet, I have no means of reaching there. I hold in my right hand a very good compass and I carry on my back a backpack with all the necessities I need. And yet, my heart cannot do what my mind knows it is supposed to do.

My feet stay still. I cannot take the first step. I know I have to do something.

I attempt to look past the haziness, the confusion, the temporary blur in my head. I turn to my left…

And I see him.

Standing beside me. Holding my hand. Gently nudging me to step forward.

And I understand.

There are things you do because you want to. There are things you do because you have to. There are things you do for the people you love when you know they need help and do not know how to ask for it. These are things you would rather not do but would still do… for them.

And I realize.

Nothing is worth trading what we want most in life. And that includes what we want at the moment. It is not the length but the depth of life that counts. And depth comes from being able to bring out the best in ourselves.

A Friend's Love says:
" If you ever need anything,
I'll be there."

True Love says:
" You'll never need anything,
I'll be there."

Insecurity

They say people are never satisfied with what they have. We always wish for more. The way things are now will never be ideal or good enough. There will always, always be some imperfections, some cracks in the otherwise perfect mirror reflecting our lives.

I wish I can say with absolute and complete honesty that I am happy. But I cannot. There was a point in time when I had less and I felt happy anyway.

I wonder what changed. Why do I not feel that sense of peace and security? How is it possible to feel satisfied with life when there are so many imperfections?

I think perhaps, for me, the key to feeling peaceful and fulfilled is security.

I have never been able to deal well with unanswered questions, uncertainties, vagueness. It all boils down to my affinity for a sense of security, my excessive liking for the comfort zone that I have created for myself. I dislike being left in doubts. I dislike doubting myself and the people I really care about.

I need to know with absolute, complete certainty. I guess some things are impossible after all.

Wish list

It is early Wednesday morning and I have an exam on Thursday afternoon. I prefer not to dwell on the amount of lecture notes I still have to cover lest I lapse into a panic attack. Instead I choose to blog.

Not exactly the wisest course of action considering I just spent more than an hour writing a poem earlier. I must be nuts. Or maybe the lack of sleep is making me delusional. I think I have more time to study than I actually do.

One week of wasted study break… maybe I should have gone back to Malaysia instead of idling my time away here in Perth. At least if I had gone home, I would be able to see all the people that I miss dearly and eat all the food that I miss almost as dearly. At least back home, there is my family, there are my cousins, there are good friends, and then there is him. At least back home, there is proper home cooked food, instead of the instant food that I have been living on for the past week and a half. At least back home, I can go shopping, eat out, hang out in Starbucks, watch Astro/ Korean drama series, go mamak-ing, not rely on public transport, not bother multiplying the price of everything I buy by three, speak Manglish, wear shorts, go swimming, shower in cold water without shivering, have a life after 5pm…

The things I wish to have/do that can only be had/done in Malaysia… the list goes on and on.

I can’t wait for this Sunday when one of the most missed things on my wish list, which incidentally is the only thing I can have while I am in Perth, will be ticked off.

Cry

Don’t cry over someone who won’t cry over you.

No matter how much you love another; there is nothing more important than preserving self worth. No matter how much you care for someone else, always remember that you cannot care for others if you do not care for yourself.

If he makes you cry and doesn’t stay to wipe your tears, then he isn’t worth the heartache.

If he makes you sad more often than he makes you happy, then he isn’t worth your time.

If he says one thing and does another once too often, and makes you unhappy in the process, then he isn’t worth your love.

If he hurts you and doesn’t care enough to right the wrongs, let go.